Hot Anal Play and Assfucking with Dr. Carol Queen

Carol Queen PhD is an author, editor, sociologist, sexologist, sex educator and pro-pleasure pioneer.  She has produced articles, essays, books, movies, events and speaking appearances worldwide. In 2004 she founded the Center for Sex and Culture to "provide non-judgmental, sex-positive sexuality education and support to diverse populations by means of classes, workshops, social gatherings, and hands-on, practical skills-building events.” Check out workshops and fun events at the Center for Sex and Culture (some are free!) at www.sexandculture.org or call 415-255-1155

The Speed Project is grateful to Carol for coming and doing a workshop called Hot Anal Play and Ass Fucking in 2007. Please enjoy these excerpts from Carol’s Anal Play workshop!

Butt Play and Butt fucking: Learning the Hard Way

The information we got from sex education in school, if we even got any sex education in school- was not really good.  It’s not easy to get thorough, pleasure-based, safety-based information outside of safe sex lectures. Nobody is going to talk about anal play in a way that’s positive and that gives you the kind of information that you need to know. So as a result, plenty of people have learned about their asses the hard way. Some people have learned about their asses the hard way just once and said “I’m never going to touch that part of my body again! That hurt!”  There are many people who have had really negative experiences with anal sex and anal penetration.

 

I’m going to assume that some of you are very into your asses or your friend’s asses, and that some of you maybe have had experiences that haven’t been so pleasant. That’s a wide gap to bridge, so I’m going to try to bridge it during this workshop.

San Francisco Sex Information’s 3 golden rules to successful anal sex Before I started the Center for Sex and Culture I worked as one of the trainers at San Francisco Sex Information. SFSI is a telephone information line. You can call and ask them anything you want about sex and somebody on the switchboard will answer your question.  When I was on the phones it really gave me a snapshot of how much people didn’t know. 

SFSI has this long 50 hour training for hotline volunteers that packs everything you could possibly get asked about sex- so they really have to boil things down. Here’s what they boiled anal play down to.  Anal play can be successful and can be done safely if you do three things. 

You concentrate on relaxation, because if your butt’s tight, that’s when a painful experience is going to happen.  Another thing that can cause painful experiences is a lack of lubrication.  Yes, some people are relaxed enough to not use lube when they have anal penetration- but I’ll tell you- most people require it! There’s one more thing that you have to remember if you are playing with someone other than yourself.  Communication. 

 

Sometimes when people have had not so pleasant experiences with anal play, the reason is because somebody was in a hurry to get in, and that is very understandable. I understand horniness and I respect it. But if you go too fast for somebody’s turn on and relaxation anally, it is crazy painful- and not the good kind of pain.  If you’re going too fast for somebody’s turn on or somebody’s going too fast for yours, the implication is that you need more time to warm up. Knowing that you might need more relaxation time, more arousal time, those things are relevant for any kind of sex, but they’re especially relevant for butt fucking!  If you catch up with each other and keep pace with each other you’re going to have a better time.

 

Ouch! If It Hurts:  Some Things to Consider

Anal play can be one of the most wonderful sensations. People can masturbate anally, they can have hot, sexy, intimate lovemaking anally, they can play with a cast of thousands anally.  All of those things are possible.  Figuring out how you optimize your own pleasure helps you optimize your health and take care of yourself.

 

If you or your partner is experiencing pain it means either the action is going too fast or there’s not enough lube and you might have too much friction- both of which can tear the tissue-not so good.  If you’ve stuck your finger up your own butt and felt, you know that it’s soft like the inside of your mouth. You have skin called mucosa- mucous membrane it’s often called- up in the butt and rectum and the inside of your mouth. Here’s a way that you can imagine how thin and how sensitive and fragile the rectal tissue is. If you took five paper towels and put them together, and you dampened them with some water- imagine how easy it would be to poke through the paper towels.

 

If anal penetration is painful it’s likely to increase your level of risk as far as HIV and/or STDs are concerned.   If any tearing happens (and this is the un-sexy part of the night) semen or blood can get directly into your bloodstream. Staying safe means avoiding having anal sex when you’re not ready for it and having enough pleasure for it to be fun. So relaxation, lubrication, communication, and I would add latexification (the use of some sort of barrier unless you’re all by yourself horny with a dildo) are the basics.

 

Relaxation Tips

Some of you may have issues with anal relaxation…like me… I’m a tight ass… I’ve always been a tight ass… I’m going to be a tight ass till the day I die.  And yet I want to have pleasurable anal experiences. 

 

There are three things that you can do all by yourself I would recommend if there is any chance that you might have anal sex in your lifetime. If you haven’t stuck your own finger up your butt, I really urge you to go home tonight and try that. It’s educational and it’s fun, and if you’re thinking about somebody else sticking anything up your butt, having done it yourself first is a good idea because then you will know a little bit about how tight you are, what is comfortable, what is uncomfortable, and so forth.  Grab some lube, play around, and see how it is.

 

You can start incorporating your ass into play when you’re playing with yourself.  When you’re masturbating add your ass in for some sensation.  That does a couple of things.  It gets you accustomed to your ass being touched in a relaxed way- you’re doing it and you’ve got control. (Speedometer note: Think of it as adding something new to something tried and true. Masturbate how you normally do- get aroused- experience pleasure and then explore new sensations by touching your anus at the same time). If you’re a drag queen or a trans woman and you have those beautiful long nails- maybe cut one of those nails off.

 

There’s a gay therapist in town named Jack Morin who wrote a book called, “Anal Pleasure and Health.”  He did a little survey about anal play for his book- interviewing people about their experiences. He found one really specific common theme amongst  people who enjoyed anal play.  He found that if somebody desired to have pleasurable anal penetration, they could have it.  Regardless of whether they’d ever experienced pleasurable anal penetration before-if it was a goal of theirs to learn enough about their ass- to relax and to get with a partner that they could communicate with- they could have a good time- no matter what. His survey also found that if a sex partner was pressuring them it wasn’t always possible for them to get to that place of relaxation.  If someone is pressuring you there is an emotional state that goes along with that- apparently it transmits into a tension and your anus is not immune to that. I can give you some suggestions on how to relax but I can also say that you know what kind of sexual situations you’re in.  Are they situations that you can relax in?  

 

Take deep breaths.  Deep breathing can be relaxing and take your mind off panic. Another thing that you can do that sounds wacky but I promise you that it works- try breathing in, but this time when you breathe out, pretend you’re breathing out your ass. Of course you can’t really breathe out your ass- but pretend you’re doing that- and it actually changes the focus of the nerves in your mind.  It works! There’s a whole complicated neurological description of why it works if you imagine exhaling the air right out your ass. Plus it’s kind of fun to do. 

 

Another relaxation tip: use a vibrating toy. You don’t have to put the vibrator inside your ass- you can use it externally.  Put a little pressure on the asshole (without going inside). You can do this even if you don’t have a vibrator.  Just press your whole palm in like you’re massaging- like when your shoulder hurts- press and rub it. 

 

Another thing you can do all by yourself is Kegel or PC muscle exercises. (Speedometer note: when you are taking a pee stop the flow of urine- you have just squeezed your PC muscle- you found it!) Exercising your PC muscle is good for your anal exploration. When you exercise any muscle, it not only gets stronger but it also gets a little bit more under your control, so you’re able to relax more easily when you say “I’m going to relax my ass”. You get the sensation of squeezing down and are actually able to feel your orgasm and pleasure better.  Definitely a plus.  You get more squeezability/strength and relax-ability- you get more in tune with it. You can squeeze down harder, you can relax more, and you know the difference, so it’s easier to tell your partner what feels good.

 

Those things all might make a difference. Remember that the more in touch with the sensations of your ass you are, the better you can share it with somebody else when you decide to.

 

Penetration Tips for The Tight

There are two sphincters muscles that hold the anus closed, which is very good, because we’d be leaving a trail behind us if we didn’t have them. One of them is voluntary and when I was talking about relaxing on purpose, I was talking about relaxing the voluntary sphincter. The other one is involuntary and it’s not quite as easy to talk it into opening up, particularly if it’s being poked- because it tightens down in a reflex that’s called the ‘anal wink.’  Sounds cute, doesn’t it?  It sounds charming. The ‘anal wink’ is really the mighty asses’ way of saying, “No fucking way! Not now, not with you, uh-huh!” It tightens up.

 

Let me just show you a way to trick that involuntary sphincter. You’ve got lube on the finger, you’ve lubed up the outside of the ass, and you’ve made friends.  Your finger and the ass have kissed already.  You’ve tapped it, rubbed around it, and pressed on it.  All of that is a nice friendly way to tell that asshole “Hello there! I like you.” Now, for penetration-instead of going in directly at a 45 degree angle, put your finger flat over the asshole covering it.  Basically what happens is you and the asshole have talked and it will put itself on the tip of your finger through this laid flat move, and then you can start to gently wiggle, wiggle, and oftentimes, actually, once you’re in that first little half inch to an inch, that’s all that really matters in terms of avoiding the ‘anal wink’. The clamp down is not going to happen unless you go crazy wild with movement- You’ve got to slow down or stop for a minute if that happens. Generally speaking, the thing that we associate with painful penetration is right at that first little moment when penetration happens. If the asshole wants to be made friends with, you can make friends with it.  So lay your lubed finger flat over the asshole put a little pressure and wiggle in, a little moving, and the asshole will take your finger in.

 

Resources

 

The Center for Sex and Culture provides non-judgmental, sex-positive sexuality education and support to diverse populations by means of classes, workshops, social gatherings, and hands-on, practical skills-building events.” Check out workshops and fun events at the Center for Sex and Culture (some are free!) at http://www.sexandculture.org/ or call 415-255-1155

 

San Francisco Sex Information www.sfsi.org or call (415) 989-SFSI (7374))

 

Good Vibrations After Hours Events See calendar at www.goodvibes.com

 

Body Electric is a school of the healing arts committed to helping people experience their potential as healers of self and others through touch, conscious breath, and honoring the wisdom of the body. It recognizes the holistic connections between mind, body, and spirit and offers opportunities to explore those connections in safe and supportive environments. It is committed to exploring the healing potential of erotic energy and recognizes the body's wisdom as ancient, sacred, playful and profound. It is a school where all sexual orientations are celebrated and all spiritual paths are honored. 6527A Telegraph Ave, Oakland, CA 94609. P 510.653.1594; F 510.653.4991 or info@bodyelectric.org or www.bodyelectric.org

 

DVDs and Books

 

Uranus: Self Anal Massage for Men DVD Reviewed by Dr. Gary Schubach

This is a significant DVD. The tone is clinically erotic, with explicit displays of all exercises. The gentleman modeling the techniques is enthusiastic and beautifully natural as he shares his passion for loving himself. The information that Kramer gives can lead to much greater sexual pleasure, as well as the prospect of better prostate and intestinal health. As Kramer points out, "To be a great lover, a man must first be intimate with himself, fearlessly exploring the pleasures and sensations of his own body." He is absolutely right about this and the exercises and suggestions that are made in the DVD can actually work to open new awareness’s for deeper, full-bodied relaxation, to become better lovers and receivers, both with a partner and in self pleasuring.

 

Fire on the Mountain - Male Genital Massage

In this instructional DVD, Joseph Kramer Ph.D. teaches the joys of giving and receiving a Taoist Erotic Massage, a form of erotic touch that often leads to a spiritual and transformative full-bodied orgasm.

Anal Massage for Relaxation and Pleasure (Volume 1)

Anal Massage for Relaxation and Pleasure (Volume One) offers you two and half hours of expert, hands-on demonstrations by professional bodyworkers, sex educators and four real-life couples: two male/female, one male/male and one female/female.

Anal Massage for Lovers (Volume 2)

This DVD is Volume two of the most comprehensive course on anal massage available anywhere. Four passionate couples (two female-male, one male-male, one female-female) show you how they use anal touch to expand pleasure, deepen intimacy, and build trust.

Books 

Anal Pleasure & Health: A Guide for Men and Women  by Jack Morin

“This book is indispensable reading for anybody thinking of exploring anal eroticism in any or all of its forms. Unlike some writers, Morin spends as much time focusing on using fingers, tongues and toys as he does on intercourse, and he emphasizes becoming comfortable with your body and finding out what (if any) forms of anal stimulation *you* enjoy, rather than making yourself feel inadequate for failing to meet external "goals"” –Amazon.com customer review.

 

 

Gay Men and Anal Eroticism: Tops, Bottoms, and Versatiles (Hardcover)
by Steven G. Underwood

Revealing! Honest! & Sexually Taboo! All of these twenty-one refreshingly candid interviews with gay men are about their sexual preferences and the reasons behind their choices. This is not a study about right or wrong when it comes to anal eroticism, but a study of what it means for gay men to be a Top, Bottom, or Versatile. The author interviews gay men in Boston and Provincetown. Each interview is like a coming out story, totally refreshing and honest. Amazon review by Joseph Hanssen “Joe”