Childhood Sexual Abuse: A Conversation with Generation FIVE

 

• What would it take to end child sexual abuse within 100 years?
• What would an effective community response to child sexual abuse and prevention of further abuse look like?
• What needs to change in our families, communities and social norms to end child sexual abuse?

Generation FIVE's mission is to end the sexual abuse of children within five generations. 

Speedometer:  Sara, how did you get involved with this work?

Generation 5: Through my own personal history and working in Harm Reduction, I started to feel like "Oh, we've got to talk about this." There's a relationship for a lot of us between our histories of child sexual abuse, our drug use, and how we are having sex and intimate relationships. We didn't have a way to talk about it and we didn't have a way to deal with it. We're still working on how people can get support. The Harm Reduction Therapy Center has brought counseling to places like Tenderloin Health, Central City Hospitality House's Self Help Center , The Mission Neighborhood Resource Center, and HEPPAC- Alameda's needle exchange/drop in center. Those are places that definitely have the capacity to work with people around these histories.

Speedometer: One of the questions the guys wanted to ask was... in what ways can surviving childhood sexual abuse impact someone later in life?

Generation 5: Many of us with histories of sexual abuse experienced it as a trauma- as something that violated us with such intense force that the impact keeps going even after we're done having the actual experience.  What defines a trauma is that the whole self has to orient towards survival. Sexual abuse is the kind of experience where...somewhere in your young self... even if you don't understand what's happening...you KNOW that something is overtaking your body in a way that really threatens it. So every part of yourself; your conscious, unconscious, physical nerve system, every part... is like "I'm going to organize in whatever way I have to... so that I survive this experience."

You know how when you get startled your whole system responds to being unsafe? Imagine that 20 times intensified.  And it's automatic...it's not like our brain goes, "Okay, something's happening that's really scary.  Nerve system-do this!  Mind-dissociate!"  All of this is automatic and it's the intelligence of our bodies. It's a genius strategy to survive, but the system's automatic response to trauma can have after affects, it can leave us with a way of being in the world... kind of orienting with that response we had to that experience- the automatic response being stuck in us.

Speedometer: Could you explain that a little more?

eneration 5: Absolutely.  When we think about trauma, we think about fight, flight, or freeze. Most of us freeze first, and then depending on what our options are, we may try to fight or we may try to run.  But as a child, we often didn't have options, right? 

What happens in a freeze is the whole system gets very still and shuts down. It's like the system just prepares to grin and bear whatever's coming. Then, what often comes with that- is dissociation. A lot of cultures describe dissociation as the soul leaving the body; people will have this experience of sort of leaving themselves. Either they go away or they kind of observe themselves from the outside, and it's an amazing way that we respond to traumatic events. 

So if that's my history, when I'm faced with situations that might remind me of that situation, it could be a smell; a sight; it could be a name; a voice; it could be a dynamic in a relationship; it could be an act or an experience or literally when I'm having sex, my system may automatically sort of shut down, and when I'm shut down I'm not consciously making decisions; I'm sort of on auto-pilot. 

Speedometer: In what ways can surviving childhood sexual abuse impact someone's use of alcohol or drugs later in life?

Generation 5: I can say from my own experience, it was really hard for me to be present and feel my body during sex.  What drugs helped me do is sort of both not be present but also to feel a lot more than I did when I was just dissociated. So the drugs actually helped me get what I wanted, which was to be able to feel and be present and have pleasure, but feel safe.  And I didn't know how to do that without drugs- because my history  and my automatic response taught me I either have to be totally away and I can't feel anything, or I'm going to be present and it's going to suck. 

Speedometer:  You know, maybe some readers are thinking "Oh, I recognize that," or "That makes sense, that happens for me." Could you give an example of how it might work in someone's daily life?

Generation 5:  Well, it could look like this....say I'm about to go out and I really want to have sex with someone. I am experiencing anxiety, I have some fear around it, and I don't have a lot of confidence around it. So there might be some mix of any of that.

How it can show up is either really aggressive behavior cruising for sex or feeling like I need to self-medicate before I go cruising for sex. When I do medicate, what ends up happening is I feel a certain relaxation that allows me to connect and that allows me to feel my body. When I'm not doing drugs, I can't seem to feel that.  So if I am using speed while I'm in this sex club- in some ways the speed is helping me be more present and engage more- but at the same time it's helping me dissociate a little bit.  So it's like, in some ways, I'm intensely feeling my body and I'm intensely engaged, but it's also a dissociation from a deeper experience or feeling.

Speedometer:  So, like a distancing?

Generation 5:  A distancing of my emotions or my discomfort. So I'm there and I'm super-engaged, I may be having really intense sex, and it may feel really present in one way, but what I'm not feeling is my feelings and also it might be so intense that I wouldn't feel pain, injury, or physical harm. My body is there- but my consciousness is not there in a way that I can say, "Wait, stop, I'm about to do something dangerous" or "Wait, stop. This person isn't safe, and I don't like the way they're treating me" or "Wait, stop. This is going beyond my physical well-being."  That's what's missing....But what's gained is a feeling of being able to both be safe and feel pleasure and connect with other people.  And you know what?  That's super-important to all of us.  So...

Different drugs do different things. Everybody is different.  For some people, being very distanced from the world seems safe (heroin/opiates/alcohol/downer pills); for other people, being hyper-engaged and hyper-vigilant in the world is how they stay safe (speed/coke/crack).  You can imagine how different drugs help do either of those things, which allow what kinds of connections sexually/intimately and at the same time can prevent them, right? You know, as a survival strategy, drugs help us get some of what we want, but then they don't take care of other things. Safety, emotional connection...physical well-being.

 Spedometer: Can you talk a bit about the fight response to trauma?

Generation 5:  Absolutely.  With the fight mode-I am going to orient in the world like... everything is a struggle, everything is hard. I'm going to expect a confrontation. The body responds to trauma by contracting (tightening up)- the whole system contracts and then you're walking around with that kind of tension and intensity, the emotion, the adrenaline, and anxiety.

Speedometer: Sounds like a hit of speed.

Generation 5:  Yeah, exactly. What's interesting about speed for those of us with the fight response is that it actually supports the survival strategy.  Psychologically, pharmacologically, physiologically, that's what's happening.  It's sort of like the drug comes in and says, "Here, I'm going to do this intelligent response for you," and so the system goes, "Ah, I can relax; someone's keeping me safe or keeping me present, someone's on the job for me."  Speed does two things at once.  It supports the survival strategy because it gives you that adrenaline-and that adrenaline- that's what allows it to relax, right? It makes so much sense. 

Until we find other ways of finding that safety, there's something intelligent about that response- our drug use is part of our survival strategy, right? The drug use makes sense. Essentially, what healing trauma is about is finding new ways to support safety that allow people to let go of some of the less useful things we do to relax. Working with people to find safety- that's what a healing process is.

Speedometer: What are some common challenges someone who survived sexual abuse might have to deal with to learn how to enjoy sex as an adult?

Generation 5:  Well, we're taught that feeling our bodies and feeling other people is not safe. So we need to develop the skills to find ways to experience our own bodies safely, but also to know who is or isn't safe and what interactions are or are not safe.

 I think where it gets really, really hard is that certain kinds of sexual spaces are about being able to have very aggressive sex. It can get really blurry.  Is there room in those kinds of spaces for a "no"?  How do you know when someone really doesn't want to have sex and has checked out and that maybe what you're doing is not role playing or playing out a shared desire?

Speedometer: If your partner wants you to be a dominant- it's a lot of responsibility to play that top role.  As a top you trust in your bottom's ability to communicate- to know what they want, and to know and set their own limits. And if you're high as fuck and with someone who...

Generation 5:  Right, you could miss signals, and/or, if your partner's high as fuck, it might be contributing to their disassociation, which they may do anyways, and they may not even know their no's until after it's happened.

It gets even more complicated when it's anonymous sex with people who don't know each other, because the signals have much less time to develop between the players- and there isn't space to talk about it and figure it out outside of an intense moment.

Speedometer: You're not going to spend time negotiating before you start playing...

Generation 5:  One of the impacts of child sexual abuse is to create shame and a feeling like your sexuality and what happens with your body sexually isn't your choice. On a societal level, homophobia can also create that experience for queer children and follow us into our adulthood.  So trauma, drugs, gender training, and homophobia sometimes make us really dissociative when we're having sex. Because in some ways we are really enjoying where we are, and there's still a part of us that feels ashamed of it, and then it's really hard to be present.

Speedometer: There is the idea out there that sexual abuse makes you gay...

Generation 5:  Yeah, if that was true, we would have a really gay world, you know?  Most people who are sexually abused actually identify as straight. I think a fear that people have around child sexual abuse is that it causes your sexuality... Abuse certainly has an impact on the kind of sex we have, and it may have an impact on who we have sex with and who we feel safe with- it's not the only factor. Sexuality is also about desire, our personalities, our genders, our sexual orientations and all of our experiences have an impact on that.

It's important to create spaces for queer communities where we can talk about our histories of sexual abuse and not have it interpreted for us. So that we get to say, "Here's how I think my history does affect my sexuality". I guess what I would hope for the gay male community and guys who engage in anonymous sex-is that they have that conversation- in a way that's not about other people condemning their sexuality. The point is having choice and having safety, and being able to celebrate and enjoy our bodies and our sexuality and intimacy. For most of us, for a lot of different reasons, that's really hard, right?

There's a great book by James Cotheffe called Integrating the Shattered Self. (see resources below for details) He's a gay man and he writes about the impact of child sexual abuse on gay male sex and substance use in a way that isn't criticizing or making it a sickness.  It's just like, "Yeah, we have these histories and it's a part of how we have sex and who we have sex with or how we use drugs, but it's not all of it, you know?"

Speedometer: For someone who survived childhood sexual abuse, what would you suggest that could be helpful?

Generation 5:  In terms of books and resources, Integrating the Shattered Self by James Caseffe is good.  Mike Lew's a book Victims No Longer is about male survivors of child sexual abuse- it's an older book- there's stuff that I think is useful and not as useful in that book.  Stacey Haines' book A Survivor's Guide to Sex is useful for anyone (men, women, or trans). It's very practical and gives you specifics on how to reclaim an embodied sexuality after a history of child sexual abuse.  And it's totally queer-positive and sex-positive including BDS/M. Stacey Haines (the author) also has a DVD called Healing Sex, which is another great tool.  Those four are a good place to start.

In terms of counseling or support group resources I think it depends.  If someone is actively using drugs and wants support around sex, relationships, drug use, and a history of child sexual abuse, or some behavior where they feel like  "I don't know where this comes from but I want to look into that" I would suggest a harm reduction therapist.  I feel like a lot of the more mainstream queer organizations are super, super stigmatizing and judgmental about drug use.  The Harm Reduction Therapy Center brings together harm reduction and deeper therapeutic work.  I do think healing requires deeper therapeutic work.  I think it's hard to do by yourself.  You know, it's totally not comfortable for gay men to go into mixed spaces, or into spaces where there's heterosexual men talking about this issue.  Gay men need their own space to talk about this and need to demand that support from the organizations that claim to serve them, you know? 

Speedometer:  Could you tell me about Generation Five's work?

Generation 5: Generation 5 supports communities and individuals to heal from histories of child sexual abuse, we work to prevent future experiences of child sexual abuse as well as respond when current ones are happening.  We do that through what we call a transformative justice process- asking how are we bringing justice to our own histories or other people's histories of child sexual abuse? How are we bringing justice to current situations of child sexual abuse?

For gay male communities themselves, we're launching a transformation justice collaborative in the Bay Area. If there are men reading Speedometer who feel like this is something they want to take on, Come on down! Generation 5 is a space where they can come build their skills, get regular support, and develop thinking to organize their own community and network around how to address childhood sexual abuse.  We welcome people who want to make this happen in their own communities.

Speedometer: Thank you so much.

Generation 5:  Thank you. 

Resources

Books:

1) The Survivors Guide to Sex: How to Have an Empowered Sex Life after Child Sexual Abuse by Staci Haines  Based on the author's extensive training and experience in working with abuse survivors, The Survivor's Guide to Sex offers an affirming, sex-positive approach to recovery from incest and rape. While most books on the topic broach sexuality only to reassure survivors that it is alright to say "no" to unwanted sex, this one encourages survivors to learn how to say "yes" to their own desires and on their own terms. Points of discussion include problems common to women survivors (much of the book focuses on the experiences of women, but the book is a great resource for men as well). Haines teaches survivors to embrace their own sexual choices and preferences, learn about their own sexual response cycles, and heal through masturbation, sexual fantasy, and play. The Survivor's Guide to Sex includes resources, bibliography, and an index.

2) Healing Sex DVD by Staci Haines is a revolutionary project mixing documentary style drama with education and mind/body exercises. The film follows a diverse cast of women and men healing from past sexual abuse. We witness their path to a more pleasurable and healthy sex life as they struggle to find peace, healing, and real intimacy. Staci Haines draws upon her extensive experience as a workshop leader, somatic practitioner, and author/educator to guide you towards the sex life you deserve. This movie enables you to work out the normal, post-traumatic survival reactions-fight, flight and freeze-that may affect your ongoing sexual relationships, and walks you step by step through a holistic path to healing. 

You will learn:

How to be present during sex.

How to experience pleasure and safety at the same time.

How to re-learn boundaries, consent, and mutual connection.

Define your sexual pleasure based upon what you enjoy and desire, not on your past hurt.

3) Gay Men and Childhood Sexual Trauma: Integrating the Shattered Self by James Cotheffe  The first of its kind, Gay men and childhood sexual Trauma: Integrating the Shattered Self addresses the unique emotional and psychological needs of gay male survivors of sexual abuse. All too often, gay men hide their childhood memories of being sexually victimized because of fear, shame and the stigma of stereotypes which equate homosexuality with child abuse.

4) Victims No Longer by Mike Lew  For millions of men on the path to recovery, Victims No Longer is the next step.  The first book written specifically for men, Victims No Longer examines the changing cultural attitudes toward male survivors of incest and other sexual trauma. Psychotherapist Mike Lew has worked with thousands of men and women in their healing from the effects of childhood sexual abuse, rape, physical violence, emotional abuse, and neglect. The development of strategies for recovery from incest and other abuse, particularly for men, has been a major focus of his work as a counselor and group leader. Thoroughly updated and revised, and including an expanded Resources section, Victims No Longer educates survivors and professionals about the recovery process -- speaking to the pain, needs, fears, and hopes of the adult male survivor.

Helping Organizations:

1) Generation 5

http://www.generationfive.org/

Phone: 415-861-6658

Get involved to help end childhood sexual abuse. 

2) The Harm Reduction Therapy Center

http://www.harmreductiontherapy.org/

Phone: 415.863.4282

Come Check out the new user-friendly Harm Reduction Support Groups

Talk with others who are going through it, get the input of the professionals who facilitate.

All groups are free and confidential run but the Harm Reduction Therapy Center.  

288 Turk Street

at Leavenworth

 

When: Wednesdays 9:30AM-10:30AM and Thursdays 2PM-3PM

Where: Tenderloin Health 187 Golden Gate at Leavenworth

3) The Stonewall Project

www.stonewallsf.org

415-502-1999

 is a harm reduction counseling program for men who have sex with men (meaning queer, gay, bisexual, transgender, questioning, or no label) who have questions about speed, want information about speed, want help dealing with speed etc. There's no requirement that you be clean and sober, or even want to be, to join us.

Monday through Friday

Drop in individual counseling at Stonewall 3180 18th Street, Suite 202 @ Folsom 4-5 pm
walk-in for a 30 minute session

Weednesdays

Drop-in individual counseling at Magnet, 4122 18th Street (near Castro) 5:30-7 pm
walk-in or call (415) 581-1600 for a 30 minute appointment

Saturdays

Drop in individual counseling at Magnet, 4122 18th Street (near Castro) 2-4:30 pm walk-in or call (415) 581-1600 for a 30 minute appointment

Wednesdays

Drop In Group counseling at Stonewall

3180 18th Street, Suite 202

(near Folsom Street) 6:30 pm walk-in for a 90 minute group

 

4) SF Women Against Rape SFWAR  24-Hour Crisis Hotline

www.sfwar.org

(415) 647-RAPE. 

Rape crisis counselors are available 24 hours/day to offer support, information and resources for survivors of rape and sexual assault, those with a history of childhood sexual abuse, friends, family members and others. Counselors are also trained in areas such as sexual harassment, incest, child sexual assault, same-sex sexual assault, domestic violence, ritual abuse, suicide prevention, male survivors and stalking. SFWAR's crisis hotline is (415) 647-RAPE.  SF WAR Welcomes women, men, and transfolk.  Through our Counseling Services, SFWAR provides peer support services to sexual assault survivors, their families and friends to facilitate individual and community healing from sexual assault. Hotline Counselors respond to calls on the 24-hour hotline, providing emotional support, information and referrals in English and other languages.  In-Person Counselors provide individual short-term peer counseling to survivors, their families and friends. SFWAR counselors offer 8-week support groups several times a year.

5) The SAGE Project            

www.sagesf.org

1385 Mission Street, Suite 300 San Francisco, CA 94103

 

Phone: (415) 905-5050

The mission of the SAGE Project is to improve the lives of individuals victimized by, or at risk for sexual exploitation, violence and prostitution through trauma recovery services, substance abuse treatment, vocational training, housing assistance and legal advocacy.

6) The Center for Special Problems

1700 Jackson St
San Francisco, CA 94109

(415) 292-1500