Real life stories, hard won wisdom and practical tips by 6 guys who party
Welcome to Speed Limit, a new SPEEDOMETER feature on substance use management. This feature invites you to think about the ways you already manage your speed use and ways you might like to manage your use in the future. Check out the recommended books, local counseling/group options, practical worksheets and tools at the end of the article.
The feature will always include either an interview with a counseling program in the city that might be helpful or with a person or people who have life experience managing their speed use. If you are someone who would like to be interviewed about how you manage your use for this feature, please call Terry at (415) 487-8043.
Please enjoy this Interview
REAL LIFE STORIES, HARD WON WISDOM, AND PRACTICAL TIPS BY 6 GUYS WHO PARTY!
SPEEDOMETER: Everybody, thank you very much for being here tonight to talk about substance use management. The questions I am going to ask came from members of the SPEEDOMETER zine planning group.
The first question is How do stress, emotions and feelings impact your ability to manage your use?
SCOTT: In general, stress is a kickoff point for using. It gives you a desire to medicate and reduce the stress. But I also think that sometimes using sharpens emotions you may be having.
DEAN: If there was a difficult event, if I learned some very bad news and wanted to escape that emotion- managed use is not going to seem like so much a priority as escaping is going to seem. So, the better mood I can have myself in (or prepare myself to be in) before using, the more successful my managed use will be.
SWEET: How do stress, emotions and feelings impact my use of speed and crack? Last night, I used because I was upset about something. Something didn’t go the way I had hoped and it wrecked me. This morning I was with a friend, I said “You know what, dude? I was really upset.” He said “I know.” Then he said, “Well, you didn’t really say nothing last night about being upset.” “I know,” I said “that’s why I acted out.” So for me it helps to have someone to talk to.
SPEEDOMETER: Okay, so the next question is…When you have a use plan and you don’t succeed or you don’t do the plan the way you had intended, how do you deal with it?
SCOTT: I always have a use plan of some sort before I go out and many times I don’t succeed. It makes me wonder. I’ll look back on the experience and see what happened. Did I follow the plan? Did something happen to take me off track? I try to learn from the experience and make adjustments. Of course, if there’s repeated lack of successes- which I’ve gone through- I have to look at my goals a little bit and assess if I’m being realistic in setting them.
Trying to balance work, drug use and alcohol use is a little bit tough- so is money management- for me it’s hard to not feel responsible for everybody around me- not just financially- but emotionally too. I have to learn to take a step back and not get so caught up with what other people are doing when I’m using and learn to be on my own trip and try to enjoy myself.
SPEEDOMETER: Thanks, SCOTT. Anybody else have anything you want to add to that, how you handle it if your use didn’t work out as you had planned?
DEAN: I have a couple things to say about that. One of the things I really had to look out for was to not embrace the typical party line we all might take- the idea that what we are really trying to do is to quit meth forever. Many people end up doing meth again one year, one month, or one hour down the line. I won’t say that I am quitting meth forever.
My approach in having a harm reduction plan is that you create one that is so easy that you can’t fail. To me, the point of a harm reduction plan is simply to raise your own awareness about what you’re doing- not create a situation that you will probably fail at. Doing your plan is creating a success that you associate with your use. But if you find that you’re doing something that wasn’t part of your plan, I think one of the smartest things to do would be to work on your plan. Include in your plan the flexibility to rework it so that you can still end up with a success.
JOSHUA: Ideally it’s good to have a plan A, plan B, and plan C. Plan A never works anyway- so have a backup plan. My problem is usually I don’t have a plan. I’m using more than I have in a long time and right now I counterbalance my use with other things I can do with my time that I schedule. Mondays and Tuesdays I have yoga and meditation. Wednesdays is the drop in group on 6th street. Thursdays I have another group. I keep something on the positive side to do.
SPEEDOMETER: So for you JOSHUA, it helps to commit to some activities during your week. It sounds like your strategy is to plan your week out to include things that you see as positive and that give you balance instead of planning out a run. Is that right?
JOSHUA: Yeah, like my group Thursday I don’t go to high. I’m still going to get high later, but not for group, you know? So I consciously don’t use before that group.
SPEEDOMETER: So what are some things that are challenging about managing your substance use? What can be hard about it?
SCOTT: If the using itself doesn’t go well- if I don’t have the experience I was hoping to have- I have a problem letting it go and waiting until the next time. Sometimes I find myself trying to force a good time out of it- my weekend extends and interferes with other appointments.
Sometimes other people don’t want to use in a healthy way or they balk at the fact that I have a harm reduction plan. They’ll put it down. Sometimes they’ll get nasty if they haven’t had enough sleep or water and be bastards. Other people are the hardest thing for me to manage when I’m trying to manage my own use, so that they don’t put me in a bad space. Not reacting to that bad energy is probably what’s most difficult for me.
Finding a dependable and reliable dealer would help me manage my use. Someone that has good stuff and fair. If you can’t get that accomplished, it throws everything off. Some people promise one thing- do another. They say “I’ll have this” and they don’t. It throws off your whole experience. The frustration can lead me to moving on to using other available substances I didn’t even want to do.
JOSHUA: Mostly it’s just keeping track of time- what day it is, how long I’ve been up.
SPEEDOMETER: The next question the zine planning group came up with is this…When you get ripped off and sold bad speed, does that throw your plan off the track?
SCOTT: Way off. I’ve had that happen several times and it just gets me so pissed off!! It can get you really upset emotionally and then you’re running around trying to get it and it can go downhill in a real hurry.
DEAN: If I get bad speed, what’s there to plan around? I thought I was going to get speed, and now I have kosher salt or something.
JOSHUA: For me getting ripped off is almost part of the plan. Nowadays in this neighborhood it just goes with the territory. A source that is relatively reputable you can rely on half the time. When you’re talking about product it’s like my mom’s fudge- every batch is different. You also deal with a lot of people that you wouldn’t even talk to if you didn’t have the same bad habit in common.
If someone rips you off on purpose, I usually just tell myself “Well, it serves you right” because I set myself up. Then I think about nailing them- setting them up, getting revenge or getting my money back. How far do you want to take that? That’s a difficult thing to deal with. It always fucks up your plan to get something that’s nothing- it will derail you.
SPEEDOMETER: What happens to people’s plans when you get really good speed?
SLOW AND DEEP: When you get something good you try to buy it all!!!
SCOTT: I wrestle with the idea that if you do find it, why not buy a large quantity? I’ve often thought psychologically, having a large quantity around takes the pressure off of having to do it because you know it’s there and it’s good.. And yet legal consequences and other issues keep me from wanting to have too much at once just in case something bad goes down.
SPEEDOMETER: So some people have said to me that they only buy what they’re going to use on that run and that helps them manage their use. How does that work for people here?
JOSHUA: Most people, if it’s there- then you use it. To have your drug of choice in a large amount, you’re fooling yourself if you think you will leave it on the shelf like sugar.
SPEEDOMETER: Some people tell me they can have a large amount around and not use it all.
DEAN: I’m one of those people. I can have it on the shelf like sugar now. There was a time when I couldn’t. I’ve experienced both sides. It depends a lot on how depressed I am, how hopeless I think life is, how hopeless I think the world is. When I can keep it on the shelf, I am not in that place of despair where nothing matters- that “fuck it, its there, I might as well just do it all” space.
When I started using I could have a bag around for a couple weeks, and it would be fine. Over the years, I went to a place where if it was there, I’m obsessing, I want to do it. Get a pipe, let’s go! Now I’m going back to a place where it can be around and I don’t have to do it. In fact, I don’t want to do it. I want to get some sleep tonight. I want to wake up tomorrow. I want to be sharp, focused, not tweaked, not jittery, not anxious, not paranoid, not any of those things. No thanks; I’m not going to do it tonight. I’ll wait until the weekend.
SPEEDOMETER: Do you do more than one drug? If you do, how does that impact or change your ability to manage your use?
DEAN: When I am doing speed another drug is actually part of my harm reduction plan. For coming down afterwards I make sure I have a Xanax at 5:00AM when I’m done partying, it takes the edge off so I can go to sleep. I get my seven hours and can wake up and be sane.
I’ve always thought of GHB and speed as the two sides of the coin. If you go too far this way you can do some GHB, or if it’s too far this way, do more crystal. It can get you right where you want to be. Sometimes GHB can actually impact my managed use in a negative way. If you use too much GHB and need to bring yourself around- say you don’t want to cross that point where you are so high on GHB that you put yourself at risk for STDs. So you might do more crystal to wake yourself up so you don’t end up with all sorts of bugs inside you that you may not want. You might end up calling a dealer to get more speed, which is a bad thing because that was probably not in your plan. So GHB is one that can negatively impact the situation.
SPEEDOMETER: What about other people? How do other substances or drugs fit in with your speed use?
SCOTT: It’s advisable to have sleep aid when you’re coming down. It takes the edge off and makes the whole experience a lot better. When you come down the high is gone, but that edge is still there and you can be up for a long time- and not up in a pleasant way. If you can avoid that it’s a good thing.
That’s a good combination for me- a bad combination for me can happen when I drink too much alcohol- it’ll make me want to do a stimulant so much that I’ll go ahead and change my plan. If I can’t get speed its tempting to go get cocaine and that throws things off, too. I think a bit of discipline and knowing the effect that each substance has on you emotionally and otherwise is a good thing to look at. Know your own pattern.
SPEEDOMETER: The zine planning group wanted to know Has there been a time in your life when you were in pain or felt alone and isolated and were not taking care of yourself? And how did you come out of that?
JOSHUA: Not just a time, I’ve had years like that.
DEAN: At times when my life was hardest, the only way for me to pull out of it was to be around people who were going to be compassionate and non-judgmental. For me, that meant not going to a 12-step groups because there are going to be some members in the 12-step group that are going to judge me; not all of them, but some. And when I’m in bad a shape, all it takes is one- and goodbye. I mean not just walk out of the room goodbye- but goodbye like give me more drugs because I can’t deal with it because I’m in such a precarious state.
So what I have to do is seek out people that I know will simply sit with me, even if I want to tell them “Look, I want to get more speed.” People who are not going to judge me and say “Oh, my God, that’s the worst thing to do. You’d better not do that!” Because guess what? I actually already know that, maybe. And the thing is, I’m in such a state of pain, I’ve already made the determination I am going to use and I don’t want to hit a roadblock with somebody. All I need is unconditional positive regard, some empathy, some compassion. So I find those people. That’s how I addressed it.
SPEEDOMETER: The next question is do you have a place or people you can go to for support? Kind of like a place where you can talk honestly about your life or listen to people who you can relate to.
SCOTT: Yeah, one of the places is most certainly the Speed Project, the people around it, the staff and the peer educators. This place is very nice. I also have a therapist I talk with.
DEAN: I go to Stonewall. I have a therapist there that I talk to that will be non-judgmental.
SLOW AND DEEP: I go to the Harm Reduction Therapy Center and to a clinic where I have a psychiatrist and a therapist, and we have good rap sessions. The AIDS Foundation has two good support groups, the Speed Project and Black Brothers Esteem Program where I can go and put out my business and get good support back.
JOSHUA: The Speed Project’s probably the one place where I can be the most comfortable. I like the fact that in the speed project drop in groups you raise a lot of questions. You know, it’s a space to try to figure out what you do think about things. Sometimes people don’t want to think about it. They just do it. Thinking’s not part of the plan.
I’ve got a primary care physician and I don’t tell him that I’m using because then it’s in my medical records- I can’t be honest with my own doctor, so that’s not a good thing. The other group that I go to is usually not about drugs. Most people there have done drugs and got past it. It’s about other stuff; drugs don’t really come up there.
SPEEDOMETER: How do you control how much you use? This could be how you think about things, steps you put in place. What’s worked for you?
JOSHUA: One way is to divide up your purchase into smaller measured amounts. At least that way you’re kind of keeping track of how much you do in time. Instead of just putting it all out there and doing as much as you want and later trying to figure out how much you actually did based on how much you got left. That helps you to be kind of conscious. Limits are hard to set if you aren’t aware.
SPEEDOMETER: Any thoughts on how to control how much you use?
SCOTT: If you want to use on a weekend, you’ve got to pre-plan when you’re going to start, when you’re going to stop; other things you’re going to do and try to stick to that. Because if you just let it kind of go on spontaneously without thinking you can end up using too much for too long.
DEAN: I had to make a decision. Why am I using? Am I using to numb my emotions and my pain, or am I using to have fun? Can I use not to numb my emotions, but only to have fun? If I’m not going to follow an abstinence-only model its important that I cut this whole monster down into something I can manage, because otherwise I can’t. If sometimes I’m using because my life is shit and sometimes I’m using to go out and have fun Friday and Saturday night- trying to cut down is just too complicated. There’s too much going on.
So what I had to do was cut myself off from self-medicating. I had to decide “I am not going to use to numb my emotions anymore”. If I’m having a bad day, I’m not going to wake up in the morning, grab the pipe and fire up just so I can get out of bed. That was the most fundamental step for me about how I control how much I use. I had to decide “How do I really want to do this?”
I’m not going to tell myself I have to quit, I decided I really want this for fun- like it used to be way back when I first tried it. From that goal a detailed plan came forward for me. Basically, it just meant taking care of my body, taking care of my emotions and my mind, and thinking about the environments that I’m going to be in. The book Over the Influence helped me- I found the bio-psycho-social model made more sense in terms of how I actually created a plan.
How do I make sure I have fun?
I go to the gym first and work out to get an endorphin high, and then I’m in a good mood. Then I make a deal with myself about how I’m going to talk to me. Am I going to allow myself to call myself an addict or to say that I’m weak, or that I’m nothing but a tweaker, or use any of those negative terms that I’ve heard used against me in the past? NO! I make a deal with myself; No negative self-talk. I consider whoever might be around me and I ask them “Do not call me an addict. Do not call me a tweaker, and do not harsh my buzz.”
I take care of my body and my mind and I set an end time. I decide “When do I want to end it?” Then, you know what I do? It was actually suggested to me by my therapist- whatever I have left over, I flush it. It’s the most powerful thing. If I said to myself “I’m going to use this half tonight.” and I go through two-thirds of it and there’s still a third left; I flush it. Then you’re proving that you actually have control over it, and that this is for fun and not because you’re numbing your emotions. So that’s my two cents.
SPEEDOMETER: Does going to support groups or harm reduction groups fit into your substance use management plans; why or why not?
SCOTT: I got a lot out of going to STOP (the Stimulant Treatment Outpatient Program) that’s run by UCSF. It was one of my initial experiences with harm reduction- it was great to be able to be upfront, open and honest about my use and not feel as I sometimes do in 12-step groups, that I have to hide something- if I slip or use- that I’m terrible or a bad person or whatever. I also found the group interaction really helped because you make some new friends and meet people going through the same things you are in a supportive environment. STOP is a long term thing- you go several times a week and you get a lot of great information.
DEAN: Support groups are really important for me. Friends can have good days and bad days- you can’t always call them up and say “Hey, I’ve got to talk” because they might be having their own gig. Family, well… it takes a long time to get them to come to Jesus with harm reduction. Support groups- especially when they’re being facilitated by somebody- make sure that you can get that unconditional positive regard and you can say “Look, this is how I’m feeling about something” and not be judged. That’s what’s so important.
SLOW AND DEEP: Well, for me, being in harm reduction groups with people that are still actively using and putting out their views has given me more knowledge. I admire the strengths that they have- you know- listening to their own truths. It works. It’s given me more stuff to work with and made me stronger in my recovery and practicing my harm reduction.
SPEEDOMETER: I think a lot of times, if you’re abstaining, there’s the idea that you shouldn’t be around people that are using because it means you’re going to use, right? What’s that been like for you?
SLOW AND DEEP: I am a secondary exchanger, give people stuff to do it safely- and watching them and being around them gave me strength. I was there and I don’t want to go back down that path. Self-love is what helps me- I can make conscious decisions on what I want for me.
DEAN: I really love that you’re practicing harm reduction to succeed with abstinence. How long have you been doing that?
SLOW AND DEEP: In 11 more days, I’ll have two years.
JOSHUA: Can I chime in here? Slow and Deep I don’t think most people are as far in their recovery as you are. A lot of people wrestling with their addiction don’t go around people that are using. It is just too tempting for them, and painful. There’s that saying- if you are in the barbershop long enough, soon or later your hair’s going to get cut. For some people it is not logical to put yourself in situations where you’re surrounded by something that is tempting to you- -you’re going to do.
On the other hand, if you have friends who use (who are friends not connections) you don’t want to isolate yourself either, so it’s not easy.
Slow and Deep, you don’t meet too many people that have your kind of attitude.
Most people can’t handle that environment- they can’t be comfortable.
I mean it’s great if you can.
SPEEDOMETER: A member of the zine planning group wanted to know how often do you think about cutting back?
JOSHUA: Cutting back? I think about it all the time. When I first heard the term harm reduction, I thought it was ridiculous, some kind of psychobabble. But after thinking more about it, it’s not ridiculous- I was just thinking inside the 12-step box.
DEAN: For me, the value of managed drug use has been that it has afforded me the ability to stop obsessing on my drug use and look at why I’m in so much pain, and to do something about it. So I never really think about cutting back. “Why am I using so much?” was a better question for me because I could sit there and think about cutting back and probably succeed at cutting back for six months. And you know what? I’m going to go right back to chaotic use again if I don’t address the underlying pain. I’m not going to judge myself for how much I use. I’m just going to make sure I don’t bring harm to myself or someone else, and I’m going to work it out with my therapist about whatever’s hurting me.
SPEEDOMETER: What’s your motivation for trying to manage your use? Where is this desire coming from?
SWEET: I want to have some sex without drugs in the mix. I was thinking, “Can I have rehab sex?” Most times with drugs and sex- you don’t get the sex anyway. Go to the arcade versus dealing with some terrible stuff. Because I’m going to want some sex, and they’re going to lie to me to get drugs. Maybe we shouldn’t mix these things together.
SPEEDOMETER: What about other people, what motivates you to want to manage it?
SCOTT: I have a new job that turned out to be a really great opportunity and I don’t want a usual pattern of drug use to ruin that. There’s a lot of other things in life that are fun to do- like going on dates sober and having a romantic relationships- exercise, health and sports, movies, theater, getting to the gym, eating a nice dinner with friends or seeing family- ultimately getting a better life standard by not letting the drug use control your whole pattern.
DEAN: I came up with an analogy. Let’s say you have a kid, and you also have to work. You’re not going to worry about the kid if you take it to daycare. You know the kids being managed- he’s not going to get into any trouble. That allows you to go to work and do the things that you need to do to make changes and make your life better. That’s the point of managing use for me. If it’s managed, I don’t have to worry about it anymore, and I can start focusing on the things that are going to bring real change in my life.
JOSHUA: Well, anybody with an IQ of above room temperature knows if you don’t manage it, it’s managing you. It’s probably managing you anyway. Depending on how far gone you are in your addiction- early on you can manage it. I think a lot of people cross the line, and they don’t realize they’ve crossed the line. They’re fooling themselves, thinking that they’re keeping a handle on it, and they’re not. To thine own self be true. Don’t fool yourself.
Lying to yourself is easy to do- sometimes you catch yourself doing it, but you just kind of gloss over it. You won’t let it penetrate. Man, I just said a bunch of bullshit, but that’s okay. You just kind of let it slide. You know, if you’re not conscious about what you’re doing- when you’ve crossed your own line- it’s easy to do that- you bullshit yourself saying it’s not of much consequence to you- it’s no big deal- you get more and more lost.
SCOTT: We’re not getting any younger. I’m not 20 anymore; speed is tough on the body. It’s harder and takes longer to recover from too much use. As you get older, you want to keep your health and try to cut down for that reason.
SPEEDOMETER: So anybody else, before we close, want to add anything? No? Okay. I want to thank you so much for your words and your experience; Thank you very much.
Resources:
1) THE STONEWALL PROJECT
The Stonewall Project is a harm reduction counseling program for men who have sex with men (meaning queer, gay, bisexual, transgender, questioning, or no label) who have questions about speed, want information about speed, want help dealing with speed etc. There's no requirement that you be clean and sober, or even want to be, to join us.
Drop in One on One Counseling is Available!
Monday through Friday 4-5PM
3180 18th Street, Suite 202 (near Folsom Street)
Wednesdays 5:30-7PM and Saturdays 2-4:30PM
at Magnet 4122 18th Street (near Castro)
Stonewall Drop In groups
Wednesday group counseling at 6:30PM-8PM
3180 18th Street, Suite 202 (near Folsom Street)
Stonewall (415) 487-3100
Magnet (415) 581-1600
2) THE HARM REDUCTION THERAPY CENTER
Harm Reduction therapy is a non-judgmental approach to helping substance users reduce the negative impact of drugs and alcohol have on their lives. It respects that people use drugs for a variety of reasons. Want more info? http://www.harmreductiontherapy.org/
Drop in One on One Counseling is Available!
HRTC offers sub use/mental health services 5 days a week at Tenderloin Health (187 golden gate), Monday through Friday, with drop-in every morning from 9 to noon and appointments in the afternoon. The best way to have someone come to us is to come through one of our drop-in times. The closer you show up to 9AM the less time you will have to wait around.
HRTC offers substance use/mental health services at Hospitality House (290 Turk) Drop-in mental health counseling is available on Mondays and Tuesdays from 1 to 5pm.
Harm Reduction Therapy Center Drop In groups Talk with others who are going through it and get the input of the professionals who facilitate. All groups are FREE and CONFIDENTIAL and run by the Harm Reduction Therapy Center.
When: Mon, Tue, Wed, and Thurs. 1:30-2:30PM
Where: Self Help Center 288 Turk at Leavenworth
When: Wed 9:30-10:30AM and Thurs. 2PM-3PM
Where: Tenderloin Health 187 Golden Gate at Leavenworth
3) THE STIMULANT TREATMENT OUTPATIENT PROGRAM (S.T.O.P.) is an outpatient program for people wanting to change their use of methamphetamine or cocaine.
Phone: (415) 502-5777
3180 18th St., Suite 202
San Francisco, California 94110
4) MEDITATION GROUP AT GLIDE
No “previous experience” required! A weekly meditation providing a safe and supportive environment for meditation, contemplation, silent prayer, and spiritual development.
Every Monday Evening in the Sanctuary at 6:30PM Please call 415 674 6090 for info http://groups.yahoo.com/group/glidemeditation/
Page last updated: 6/18/2008