I came to San Francisco 8 years ago and I worked in social services when I first came here. At the time I wasn't using any drugs at all. I worked in social services for like 2 years, and then when I turned 25, I started working in the club scene.

That was my introduction to using coke. I tried different drugs. I tried marijuana and I didn't quite like the way it made me feel, I tried alcohol and didn't like feeling drunk, I tried crack one time, didn't like that.

The first drug that I used on a regular basis was ecstasy. I started using ecstasy when I started going dancing at _____. I remember the first time I did it, I was with my best friend and he had never done drugs either. We were dancing, and he asked me if I was up for it. We made a pact that we would look out for each other, I trusted him and I still do and he trusts me. We'd always watch out for each other and make sure we drank enough water to keep hydrated and it made it enjoyable.

I liked E. I am a very shy person. Very quiet. Ecstasy made me open up a lot more and be more outgoing. I love to dance and I love being in the club scene, house music... I just have a lot of fun.

Me and my best friend we were putting together our own club called Club _____ and so it required us to go out a lot and promote it every weekend. We had this weekly routine of partying from Wednesday to Monday. I did that for about a year. I can't really say I got hooked on E, I just used it on the weekends when I was partying, other than that-nothing- that was it. And that was the scene that I enjoyed using ecstasy in, at the club. I tried taking ecstasy once at home, and it was a very uncomfortable feeling; it just wasn't the same experience.

Once we started doing our own club I was introduced to speed. For awhile it was easy to manage because I only used it on the days that I had to work extremely long hours and it was only 2 days a week. I would buy a quarter and I would split it in half. I would just buy 20 dollars worth and one half would be for one day and the other half would be for the next day...the rest of the week I wouldn't touch crystal.

Me and my best friend started using speed at the same time and I guess I didn't know how addicting it is. I just had this thing in my head that I can start and stop anything. When I decided to stop using ecstasy, I stopped using it, just like I started using it. All the other drugs that I had ever done had always been easy. I could stop just like that.

I snorted crystal for a long time and things were fine and under control. Back then, me and my friend talked about people we knew who smoke crystal. We had this theory that people who smoke it are totally addicted. We said we would never go that route. Well, I had been snorting it for about 8 months and I went to a friend's house and she happened to live around the corner from a head shop that was open until midnight. She liked to smoke it. She asked me if I wanted to try smoking it and I was like, "What the hell, I'll try it one time."

Every other drug I have experimented with I have been able to try it one time, so I figured...but whew. Man. I took one hit off her bowl and it was a rush. One hit. Even today I think about it, and it scares me... because it was like... I took one hit off her bowl and I never went back to snorting. I literally got up after doing that hit and went around the corner to the smoke shop and bought my first pipe and now its five years later and I am still smoking it. I won't do it any other way. I've heard people talk about shooting it...people say that's the ultimate high. I can't go there under any circumstances because I am so terrified that I'd like it too much... just like I did with smoking. And I believe that's the end...shooting.

I started dealing drugs...my best friend was going out with this girl...we are all still friends to this day...and at the time she was a big time dealer and we all lived together. I remember she had tons of crystal, she always had thousands of dollars on her at any given time, she always had the nicest things, and of course I was attracted to that. So she taught me...before then it had never entered my mind...dealing...but living with her and having her there... it was just kind of glamorous the way she presented it.

It turned out that she was just buying 5 ounces at a time, she had the clientele to do that, she was making that kind of money. She taught me the right way to do it. She never ended up having problems with the police or being arrested. I never got arrested or dealt with the police around the drugs. She taught me to always do business behind closed doors, to be fair to your customers-don't try to rip them off, don't bring unnecessary trouble. She always had very high quality product, so when I was dealing I just bought from her. It got to the point where I was making a decent amount of money and living that life that I wanted- I had a 2 bedroom 2 bath condo- the rent was almost 3,000 a month... if that's any indication of how well I was doing. I only had select people who I dealt with; I had just a few clients who I dealt with on a consistent basis.

Dealing was for a purpose-it wasn't a means of survival for me. I always maintained a job while I was doing it so there were no questions about how I was maintaining my lifestyle, plus I Deejay'd. The straight jobs enabled me an out when I wanted to quit selling. I was able to deal and then walk away from it and she did too. It's just another chapter in our lives. I have a lot of friends and associates who deal drugs and whose lives are unreal, they do it as a means of survival so they compromise all their rules and stuff because they need to pay the rent. They get caught- they go to jail and they come out and do the same old thing... it's a revolving cycle.

My crystal use went way up when I was dealing- I'd use every day. I'd wake up and grab my bong and hit it, go take a shower- hit it, get dressed- hit it. Yeah, it did become an every day thing. This led off into other things too that I have mixed feelings about- some fraud stuff. I am not proud of what I did, but at the same time, having survived it, I have some knowledge that is priceless.

My best friend got caught ...I am not going to go into too much detail... but he got caught and we bailed him out. His bail was really high but we bailed him out, we did what we needed to do. Then she caught a case off of that because they found a print of hers on something and then they were looking for me...there were questions...and they didn't turn me in. Just a couple weeks ago we were hanging out telling the story to a friend and I turned to her and I said, "There's not a thing in the world I can do for you guys to make up for that!" and she looked at me and said "But, that's what friends are for!" How many people that I know wouldn't have done that, they would have given me up in a heartbeat, in a second. They are both on federal probation now, the stuff we were doing was not little stuff, it was big-time and the feds were after us and if I got caught I wouldn't be here today, the stuff I was doing was over the top so...I am just going to leave it at that...

It was them getting caught that got me out of dealing. While we were doing it I had the forethought to put money away and make investments so that after it was all said and done there was no need for us to do it anymore because there was money set away. So they were able to buy a house and able to start a business later. If it had been a means of survival it would be a different story. All three of us are very talented smart people and were doing legal jobs before any of this anyway. All three of us work strait jobs now and its fine. We could walk away from it and not need to go back to it. We never wanted to make it that- so we didn't.

While they were dealing with their cases I have to say I was messed up...you find out who your real friends are. I knew immediately that there was nobody else I could really count on. We'd always counted on each other, and then I was out here by myself. So I checked myself into rehab. And I learned a lot in rehab. Back then if you had asked me "Are you an addict? Are you addicted?" I would have told you "No!" In rehab I learned that I was an addict-that I have been all my life. I was addicted to heroin when I was born. I have always had addictive behaviors; they just manifested themselves in different things- like shopping and buying very expensive clothing. When I wasn't doing drugs I was going for Versace and Gucci. That was my addiction, a rush. And it still is.

So, like I said, in rehab I learned a lot about myself. I learned what addiction is about; I also learned how to control my addiction. I wasn't sure that I would stay sober forever, I did stay sober for ½ a year but then I started using again. When I started using again I told myself that I would keep control of it. Watch how much I did and when I did it and make sure that I also took care of what I needed to do- my other responsibilities. People are somewhat amazed and don't understand how I can function while using, how I make all my appointments... because they can't or when they were using speed they just couldn't function. For me, I don't know, I just have this thing, if I am going to do it; I am going to do it....

How does he do it? Be on the lookout for part two...how Jay manages his speed use in zine 7!