by Michael L

In my volunteer work at places such as the San Francisco AIDS Foundation's Speed Project, as well as my group therapy sessions, I am becoming known for stating my harm reduction philosophy of "For Fun and Not To Numb." So much so that at times, other people finish my slogan now when I begin to say it.

While I am flattered by their recognition of my saying, I have yet to fully implement this philosophy in my life. True, since January 11th, I have not used crystal meth to "numb" my emotions, I have not had any to enhance my "fun", either.

In the phrase, "For Fun and Not To Numb," is a shift in awareness that is critical for me. That is to acknowledge that a regimen of strict abstinence, a goal I have tried and failed at now too many times, has not worked for me. So, knowing that, there is a good chance I'll use crystal meth again.

And, if that is so, how do I want that to happen so that I don't get into legal, physical, or even emotional trouble doing that? How do I reduce the harm?

I like to remind myself that people often refer to using crystal meth as "partying" and parties are supposed to be fun. Thus, when I espouse the saying, "For Fun and Not to Numb" it was a tongue in cheek nod to the vernacular of the drug. Additionally, it is meant to recognize my willingness to do the "hard work" of emotional recovery, addressing core issues such as moving beyond my self-victimizing perspectives of childhood abuse, that have impacted my life, career, and relationships in so many ways.

Between the reality of my past behavior, and lack of success with a goal of abstinence, and my drive to make and achieve sustainable changes in my emotional landscape, is my specific point of "For Fun and Not to Numb."

This coming Saturday I have the opportunity to fully engage this philosophy and use drugs in a supportive environment, with friends willing to support me in my harm reduction goal. Over the next couple of days, now, I need to articulate what that is going to look like, so that the harm is reduced if not avoided entirely. In doing so, I provide myself with real data- behavioral evidence- that I can believe, which is to say, believe in myself and my convictions of life, recovery, and living a happy engaged life.

March 12th, 2007 I just left my therapist at Stonewall, a harm reduction support center, a voice message. When I meet with him tomorrow, I want to leave our therapy session with a list of ten things or so that are behaviorally specific of how I will reduce the harm of my planned drug use this weekend. Through my recent efforts to support others in their harm reduction goals, by calling them to "check in" on how they are doing, openly discussing their experience in a non-judgmental way, I've been inspired to design a customized plan for myself.

"Am I in trouble?" I asked my friend as I spoke to him on the phone. He had just requested that we change our plans. Instead of going to a movie, he wanted to meet at his house so we could talk. "No, you're not in trouble and neither am I" he said. When I got to his house he explained what he meant. He had decided to "party" Saturday night and wanted to talk instead of going to a movie. "Oh" I said. And my face visibly relaxed with the news.

"Did you have fun?" was the first question I asked him. "Yeah" he said as he told me about the things he did around the house tinkering and watching TV before venturing into the night looking for fun. As his story unfolded, I asked him a couple of different ways what had triggered him to use. You see, we had spoken on Saturday evening before he called his drug dealer.

Everything had sounded fine and he said nothing about wanting to do drugs. So, I asked him a couple different ways, if there was an emotional issue he was looking to numb. But there wasn't one. After failing to come up with a problem or an "accidental" reason for using, I gave up my probing questions.

It was then that he looked at me and said, "You know, I just think I wanted to get wild last night." Since it had been over two months since he had touched crystal meth, his comment seemed authentic to me. Had he been partying every night for the past two months he would not have been able to convince me as easily. But since our conversation Saturday night indicated to me that he was in good spirits, and that nothing unsettling or problematic occurred after our conversation, that he was avoiding by using drugs, I was left with no other conclusion. He used for fun and not to numb.

"Well, how did you take care of yourself" I asked since my friend has a diagnosis of both HIV and diabetes. He nearly jumped out of his seat at that question as he whipped out a list of 20 items, ways that he agreed to take care of himself when he uses crystal meth. Among them were behaviors such as eating a healthy meal before using, drinking plenty of liquids, and taking his Xanax for coming down and resting.

I took the list from him and I asked him to tell me how he fulfilled each of these, point by point. In the end, he only missed a couple of steps. His plan included sleeping a certain amount of time, but when we met yesterday he still hadn't slept, though he did relax for a while calmly lying in bed before going out, looking for sex.

Additionally, a few of his steps like splitting the crystal meth into smaller portion and locking it away out of his reach did not apply since he bought a small amount, a half a gram instead of the nearly two grams that his original plan called for.

Here is his plan:

1. Health, only use if not currently on anti-biotics, no current infections
2. Don't use on a work day or night before having to go to work
3. Allow for 1 rest day after using
4. Use a measured amount (1/4 or 1/8)
5. Use crystal meth no later than 9pm
6. Take 30 minute rest after injecting the meth
7. Have food in the house
8. Manage diabetes per usual
9. Eat regular meals
10. Test blood sugar every few hours
11. Eat dinner before using
12. Test blood sugar before leaving house
13. Call friends to use with (don't use alone)
14. Put 2 Xanax in pocket, take first one by 3:00 am
15. Be in bed by 3:00 am or at least home by 3:00 am, then take second Xanax
16. Test blood sugar again at home
17. Use other measured out amount by midnight so I'm left with none
18. Go to sleep
19. Pick up meth on Friday, divide into panned measured amounts for the weekend (1/4 or 1/8 gram units)
20. Lock unused portion in padlocked storage case for future use on another weekend
21. Drink at least 2 quarts of water the day after using
22. Take vitamins, amino acids, and 3 Advil
23. Pamper myself the next day (hot bath, facial, manicure, watch comedy on TV, listen to uplifting music)

We also talked about sex, and, how he takes care of himself sexually, when he's high. "Well, I'm HIV positive", he said, "and when I go to the sex clubs, I don't use a condom." 

"Would you use one if the other guy was really hot and wanted you to put one on?" I asked. "Yes", he said, indicating that the level of safe sex one practices, even when you're high, is an important matter of personal choice, responsibility, and not always a clear, black and white issue. Though he did not perform conscious acts of safe sex, as they are typically defined, he did express a certain conscience about safe sex as he explained "I didn't come inside of anyone and no came inside of me".

After spending the first half hour to 45 minutes making sure he was okay, and confirming that he had done a good job of keeping his promise to take good care of himself, we rented and watched a couple of movies, discussed some of his favorite quotes from Proust, then hung out on his balcony. It was during that magical time as the sun set that my friend called "the quieting" of the day, when everything is taken care of and accounted for, that we welcomed in the soft glow of a peaceful evening.

March 13^th,2007, Tuesday. It's a beautiful day outside. Walking to the coffee shop, I could hear the symphony. A single note of a full orchestra created by the roar of the city's activity, of a city in a state, San Francisco, California. This is the state of a politic for the people, by the people, and I am nearly moved to tears. It is here, after all, that I found harm reduction, and in those practices that I find myself. You see this morning, I was again talking to my friend from my harm reduction therapy group and I was reminded of why I am such a passionate practitioner of its principles.

"I woke up this morning feeling great. No shame or guilt.", my friend said. It was as if he was sharing a dirty little secret with me that he should be attacking his peace of mind for his past behavior, but wasn't. "Well the fact of the matter is" I said, "That you made a plan and stuck to it."

Incredulity, expressed though a person's eyes, as their triumph dawns upon them can be quite beautiful. "You don't have anymore crystal meth on you, do you?" I asked. "No." he said. "Your weekend is over and you return to work tomorrow. Are you in danger of calling your dealer tonight?" "No, not at all." he replied.

Too often, I think, in our society we let other people decide if we can be at peace with ourselves. The fact that he designed a plan of harm reduction that was well thought out and practiced, so that little or no harm would come to the important facets of his life, his health, his mind and emotions, and his job, tells me he has earned his peace of mind.

Time will tell if this incident of drug use after two months of abstinence increases his frequency of use or if there is a time that he does not follow a plan. But, as I know from my experiences, I am more likely to find myself in harms way when I am fearful, anxious, or guilt ridden than when I am at peace and can see the beautiful day and hear its symphony.

I haven't asked him, but I'm pretty sure my friend would have decided to party Saturday night, whether or not harm reduction existed in his life. In a typical 12-step group scenario he would, at this point, likely be feeling guilty, planning amends, of some sort or another, questioning his relationship to spirituality and maybe even life itself.

One thing is for sure, he would not have any peace of mind today. It is there, in that peace of mind, that the measurable value of harm reduction exists. Where there is peace, there is no pain, fear, or shame, to numb with drugs. So, the dysfunctional need to use a drug is, therefore, defused. It doesn't exist. Therefore, in his peacefulness, he is more being set up to succeed in controlling his drug use, than to fail.

March 14^th, 2007 I was so flattered yesterday when my friend who I supported over the weekend told me he's always longed to hang out with someone like me after partying, and that he can't believe he's experiencing it now.

However, my attribution at his flattering statement was of course misplaced. All I've been doing is applying the principles of harm reduction to his situation. He did all the work, designed a customized plan to care for himself, then implemented it. All I did was review his plan with him without judgment or shame.

"Claim your peace of mind my friend, you have earned it." I said to him. Since he has committed quite a bit of his time and mind to the 12-step way of thinking, I encountered a substantial amount of resistance on his part to do just that. At times I could see him moving back and forth from serenity to guilt then back to peacefulness as I occasionally reasserted his rights.

Eventually a pattern began to emerge though. As he made his way along his own mental landscape to a place of peace, he began to realize that he could use some of what he learned in his 12-step groups to be okay with himself.

"You know, I remember reading that Bill, the founder of AA, once said that there are some people in the program who may continue to drink even while in the program and may choose to do so until science comes up with some drug or whatever to help them stop all together, and that Bill is fine with that." He reasoned.

As I watched him in his process of claiming his peacefulness, I reminded myself of things I learned from my years in 12-step programs, that there are those folks that have participated in the program to get a grip on their behavior only to return to alcohol, or their other drug of choice, at a later date.

What I like about harm reduction is that it can serve as an adjunct to the 12-step philosophies. People can keep what works for them in 12-step groups and return to a sense of peace in their lives, however they choose to define that, be it with a drug or alcohol, or not. In other words, with harm reduction, there are an additional set of principles outside of the 12-steps where a person can find compassion and support.

Thus, I have chosen to design my own plan of harm reduction for my planned use of crystal meth this coming weekend. This list, generated from suggestions I solicited from other members of my harm reduction therapy group and my therapist, is specific to my situation to ensure that harm is reduced or entirely avoided in a way that is meaningful to my health, both physical and mental, and the setting, an afternoon party at a city park with friends.

Here is my plan:

1. Buy my own so I can use and dispose of it according to my plan.
2. Choose reasonable amount, about one fourth of a gram, $25 or so.
3. Have someone else hold it.
4. Do it in a safe place.
5. Drink a lot of water, about one bottle per hour.
6. Have a place to chill out the next day where I can relax and not be judged
7. Ingest it. Mix with water and drink, which is safer than smoking or snorting it.
8. Have Xanax, set alarm for when I want to take the Xanax for when I want to come down.
9. Have plan written down and give it to a person who can support me in a harm reduction fashion.
10. Have people call to check in to ensure I'm maintaining my goals. Specify those times with friends.
11. Have someone there for my come down, the next day, that I can hang out with who won't judge me.
12. Set specific goals for when and where I want to have fun while high.
13. Give friends and/or my dealer specific instructions of what to say if I ask them for more, later in the night.
14. Give myself permission not to use if I feel anxious beforehand or if I feel fear, guilt, or shame as a result of enhancing my experience and using a drug.
15. Leave option not to enhance my experience up until time I'm at the venue or place I'm going to use.
16. Set specific time for starting and stopping my intake of meth.
17. If I buy, make sure there are no leftovers whether I use it or not. Flush it down the toilet.
18. Talk to friends about how we'll be while we're high. Set boundaries to avoid negative thoughts and feelings between us.
19. Have a harm reduction buddy there with me. In other words, person who reminds me of this plan, but is not responsible for my experience, good or bad.

If you want to design your own harm reduction plan based upon mine or my friend's (who has to incorporate elements into his for his Type I diabetes) please remember to apply what I think is one of 12-steps most brilliant principles. "Take what you want and leave the rest."