Celebrate not Medicate: PART II 

(For Part one check out “Cutting Back, Slowing Down” in the “personal stories” section online at www.tspsf.com. Get ready for a “where is he now” update from Paul who shared some of his thoughts and experiences over the past year and a half with Speedometer. Enjoy!)

In the early days I was able balance my use.  I always made sure that before I partied, all my work was done, my house was clean, the bills were paid, and everything was in order. Partying was like a sweet dessert.

Then I came up against some things in life that were bigger than I had the skills to deal with. Maybe I had forgotten skills I had. My problem use was a byproduct of very difficult things- my partner's health declined and that spun me out. He's the love of my life. I was enraged. I was like, “Fuck you, God.  You're not going to take him.” Caregivers are in a very high-risk category for substance use issues. There's a painkiller to anesthetize you from everything.  People spend a lot of time avoiding things-if they just went through them- they would hurt for a little bit and then heal. So, I went from partying to medicating. 

Around a year ago I re-read the story we did in 2006. It was really cool to read my first interview. I said some words that were important and helped me focus.  Since the last interview, we got tested because it had been awhile. My partner came up negative.  I came up positive.  It was not a huge surprise for me.  From about 2002 to 2005 I threw caution to the wind- I am surprised I didn’t grow ears and a little tail… oink, oink. It was a lot of fun and looking back, it was a reaction to an impossible situation. I was trying to escape from what I felt totally incapable of handling. When I found out I was HIV+ I kept it in the back of my head.  I was not ready to face it. There wasn't room to face it.

When you're not dealing with your emotional stuff in real time, it's like using a high interest credit card. When you shove your emotional responses back they don’t just sit there.  They compound daily.  They get high interest, and before you know it, you're emotionally in debt.  You pay it in ill health.  You pay it in no energy.  You pay it spiritually and emotionally.

So I was starting to ask questions about where my speed use was going and what did I want to do with it.  “Is this a problem?” “Oops, how did it become a problem?!!! I never wanted it to be!” Once I was really clear that I wasn’t playing I was medicating, I wanted to move out of that back to a place of maybe partying- maybe not. I reached a level a year ago where I really wanted to quit but didn't think that I ever would. It was more like I don't know if I'm ever going to resolve these issues that are kind of driving me to use. That was an emotional low point. I wanted to quit, but then I would be tempted and I didn’t have support. I had to start on a plan on taking care of myself that included broadening the level of support.

I was seeking help for my partner when I walked into Stonewall. I went because I thought my partner had a bigger issue than I did.  It was so wonderful, nonjudgmental, and I thought “Oh wait a minute.  This is for me.”  I realized it was time for me to take a look at myself. What I'm doing or not doing. 

Stonewall is a harm reduction program.  12 steps didn’t work for me.  Harm reduction is wonderful. I never identify myself as an addict and I don't use terms like “my addiction”. Drugs do not fly off the shelf or out of your bag and into your vein, up your nose or up your ass. I mean, at some point, there's a If you don’t choice. It may not be obvious at the moment- choices that you've made three weeks or a month before may be affecting when you use. You have to find a way to turn off the judgments and put down the internal baseball bats and stop being your own worst critic or you will stay in that place with your use-that flying off the shelf phenomenon where “it just happened to me”.

It's real hard to be clear when you're using, you know?  There's a huge difference now that I've had a lot of space in between uses. There are things one needs to do to slow down or stop using so that you can get mental clarity.  Now I have choices. For me, the most liberating thing is that there is a choice.           The issue is not about the drug use per say, it's about addressing the emotional issues that have not been dealt with that keep you frightened or feeling inadequate. All of those things that you don't feel like you have the tools to address.

How it worked for me is I began attending the Wednesday night walk in group in very small increments. In the beginning, and to this day, my goal is “I don't want to use right now.” “Right now” might change in a week.  But as long as I'm just doing “right now” it takes the pressure off. At Stonewall you don't have to be sober.  If you use, no one there is suggesting you begin counting your “clean time” all over again. 

The first two months my partner was still using and I was around speed every day. One of my group members suggested “Honey, just look at it like it’s his medication.” That helped. Early on it became apparent that yeah! I could do it! and I was tempted.  The first few months were work.  It wasn't impossible though. To me struggling is part of the healing process.

I think it's great that at Stonewall you're in groups of people who are using and not using because in life you're going to encounter people. Were there times when it was unbearable?  No, because I don't think I let it become unbearable. I’ve seen people get panicked and really struggle bio-chemically. If you fight the urges and fight and fight and  panic you get so wound up with fear and stress eventually you’ll say “Oh, I got to call my dealer up!”  I'm thinking, “No you don't.” It's a hard process.  But it ain't going to kill you.

The first couple months, I went to Stonewall every day- every frigging day. By going to meetings and talking to people you discover things.  One of the things I learned was that a lot my use was being triggered by agitation from my partner. I had to realize that I was not hurting him at all when I’d respond by saying “Fuck you bitch!” and go use.  “Oh my boss was mean to me” or “Somebody said something and so I went home and used and that was my excuse.”  So you look at those things. Finding a means of coping with what other people think about you or how you deal with stress helps. That was a really big one for me…learning that my emotional responses were my own responsibility and not an excuse for me to use.

What else did I do to keep from being discouraged? One of the counselors has a great remedy for when you want to use- make the choice to just jack off instead. And it works! That got me through many months. Remembering “What do I want?” helps. Recovery to me was going back and reclaiming parts of myself that were asleep.

Taking responsibility about the decision to use or not use can put you in touch with things that you have not dealt with or don't want to deal with.  How was I going to deal with something like the potential loss of my partner? I had really fought dealing with that for a long time by medicating. Until I was ready to address that and find some peace with it and find a way to cope with it, I was spinning my wheels. Once I started getting support and had about a month of consecutive non-use under my belt I realized during my previous breaks I wasn't addressing emotional issues. So in addition to groups I got involved with the Family Caregiver Alliance and started one-on-one counseling at Stonewall.

I explored services at AIDS Health Project. Everyone who's positive should go to Positive Resource Center. I took Stop AIDS program’s PLUS Seminar. It was better than I expected.  And it was not what I expected.   It’s like taking ten different seminars in one weekend. But in a good way, it's very intense. And you get a huge cross-section of information. People talk about alternative healing, medications, disclosure, managing side effects, and benefits. And you get a lot of support around who you are and not to blame yourself.  It was a very, very, very positive experience. That was probably one of the big steps that I took in self care. I really began to address the issues at hand.

At Stonewall I have made some really, really good friends.  Once you start to open up people have your back- there's camaraderie. The whole stigma of being an addict is that supposedly you're a selfish, self-absorbed person. You’d take a watch- You’d take a wallet.  That's bullshit. A common thread among most people in one group was that we were caregivers- giving of ourselves a lot. Maybe too much. Maybe not knowing how to replenish ourselves or take care of ourselves. When you hear someone else tell your story or say something you relate to you're no longer alone.

There's a great cross section of men in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s.  I would say a large percentage of people who attend Stonewall are HIV+. It’s a very supportive place for HIV+ guys. How do you reconcile being positive with using? Is that a self-medicating thing?  Guys talk about missing doses and screwing up their regimens.

 One week we listened to people really tell their story. There was a list of questions for group members to guide them, things like: “What was your childhood like?”  “What were your childhood experiences around homosexuality?”  “When did you become aware of AIDS and HIV?” “Are you positive?” and for older guys “How did growing up at ground zero when the AIDS crisis started affect our view of ourselves?” It's all intertwined. How many people picked up using when we were losing friends before we had medications? People have experienced a lot of grief and loss. We talk a lot about feelings- some not so pretty feelings. I think even with the best of us there's internalized homophobia we're still struggling with.

One of the things in group I found interesting was talking about sexuality and sex. How some people found a release-they found they could be wilder, crazier and nastier when they were using speed than they were otherwise. Speed sort of gave them permission- it's certainly a catalyst and opens the door. For a lot of people intimacy issues are really big. When guys stop using there's the issue of how to have sex and not use.  That's a biggie, and for a lot of people, it's huge.

I took a break from sex for a little while. It was a welcome hiatus. I am in my late 40s and maybe that’s the difference. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be sexual until I can't anymore. But I don't have to do it every day, twice a day, five times a day.  I don't have to try to prove that I'm still 20 because I'm not, it's okay to be the age I am.

The symptoms of my HIV meds were just intolerable so in December I made an agreement with my doctor to stop taking them. I hadn't used speed in nine months. I had all this non using time in and I think I needed to confront some of my fears about it. I thought, “I have to see if speed is all that it's cracked up to be.” Then I thought, “Do I really want to?” I decided to use because I didn’t want to take those fears, doubts and questions into the next year. 

I planned it for around Christmas. My partner and I were taking some time out. I thought you know what?  I'm by myself right now and I've got some time I could carve out.

I don't have any responsibilities at this very moment.  I'm okay.  It's cool. I was pretty sure I didn't want to hook up. I was going to explore myself- maybe watch some porn and bring out the toys-this was me time. Keep it low key. I knew all those things and what was very clear was that I made a choice, and I took responsibility, and I was going to own whatever came up.

I bought it, and I let it sit around for a day. I had been prescribed anti-anxiety medications and was just feeling “blah”. I had this really horrific headache. I thought “This will either cure the headache or it will make me dog sick” so I better start out with a smaller amount. I drew up and injected it and the headache instantly went away along with this kind of malaise that I had been feeling. I felt like a bomb had busted out of lock. The stuff was better than average. It was fun. I enjoyed myself. I got online and did some phone sex. It just felt like “aaaahhh”.

My boyfriend called me the next day and came over.   He asked if I had used, I said “I have” and he goes “I thought you did, I want to, too.” And I said, “You know what?  You're an adult. Just know that if you have a bad come down, you can't do it here.” 

And so he did, and we had some fun together, which was really nice.  I was able to say “This is the day and the time that I want to stop.” When that time came I said “This is it.”  And put it away. 

I had a wonderful Christmas, I mean extraordinary.  Then the three days after really dragged my ass.  I didn't have any energy. Come downs are very illuminating, and I get very clear on things.  I felt the monkey on my back go away. It was like, “Okay, I did it.  I survived.  I can do it, you know.  Is that going to work?” I was very clear that it wasn't.

I think had it been a bad experience, I might have felt cheated or robbed, but my good experience kind of put the closure on it.  Now, I'm not saying I'm never going to do it again. But if I didn't do it again, I don't think I'd be missing anything.  And I haven't had any impulses to use at all. I feel very much at peace with it.  This ship has passed, you know?  This ship has sailed.

It's kind of like I'm reconnecting with things that give me pleasure beyond partying.

Perspective comes over time and you can go “It's okay, this is what's here” I've learned to try to be in the moment because that's all that's real. One of the Stonewall counselors, I love her; she always says “Anything that you're saying about the future is only a story.  It's not here yet.”  All this reminded me you can actually be grateful for whatever you have in that moment. It'll propel you towards something. I'm learning how to handle this.  I'm learning how to handle that. I can handle this. My patience level has increased. My responses to things have become very different. This change has had an affect on everyone around me.

2008 has started on a really good note.  I have not felt this good in so long.  Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to do this interview. It's good timing for me to think back and recap how I got here to continue to encourage myself.

Resources

1) Family Caregiver Alliance-Bay Area Caregiver Resource Center

FCA is a public voice for caregivers, illuminating the daily challenges they face, offering them the assistance they so desperately need and deserve, and championing their cause through education, services, research and advocacy.

180 Montgomery St. Ste. 180 (between Bush St & Sutter St) San Francisco, CA 94104

(415) 434-3388 www.caregiver.org

2) STOP AIDS Project PLUS Seminar

The PLUS Seminar is a multicultural, educational, and experiential weekend workshop. PLUS is designed for people who have recently tested HIV positive, love someone who has, or have been HIV positive for a while. PLUS is a great place to gather more information about when to start medication, clinical trials, nutrition, insurance and benefits, sex and disclosure, and being positive. PLUS seeks to empower individuals through knowledge and emotional support to meet the challenges of being HIV positive. PLUS is free for all participants. When Is The Next PLUS? Call the STOP AIDS PROJECT AT 415.575.0150 ext: 250

3) AIDS Health Project

Provides direct mental health services to people with HIV disease, seronegative people, friends, family members, and partners of people with HIV disease. AHP offers a variety of drop-in and ongoing support groups each week to help people cope with HIV. Groups are facilitated either by trained volunteers or staff clinicians.

Interested in support groups? Please call 415-476-3902.

4) At Magnet… Tune-Up Deluxe! Acupuncture, Massage, Hypnotherapy, Nutrition Counseling, and now featuring Reiki on Fridays!!  

Magnet offers you more than clinical services to keep your engine running. On Wednesdays get nutritional consultation with Kristen Domingue, CHHC and acupuncture by the Immune Enhancement Project from 3:30-5:30 pm; massage by IEP from 3:30-6:30 pm. Fridays from 4-6pm we have chair massage with Chuck Drees, CMT, acupuncture by the Immune Enhancement Project, and Hypnotherapy with Heron Saline, CHT; and from 4-7 pm Reiki by Mark Peterson, Certified Reiki Master and Somatic Practitioner, of Healing Source. Reiki balances and strengthens the body creating the ability for energy to flow and the body to heal. Zoom zoom zoom, get yourself into our room!

4122 18th Street San Francisco, CA 94114 (415) 581-1600

Wednesdays 3:30-6:30 PM and Fridays 4:00-7:00 PM

5) Positive Resource Center

Our mission is to assist people affected by or at risk for HIV/AIDS through culturally appropriate counseling, education and advocacy in making informed choices that maximize available benefits and employment opportunities.

785 Market Street, 10th Floor  San Francisco CA 94103.

(415) 777-0333   www.positiveresource.org