I'm a 46 year old gay white male, been in SF since 1996. I've made it and lost it made it and lost it not necessarily by any means of my own, the dot com bust changed the lives of many people, but its turning around and I've utilized that time, I've been on a spiritual path for most of my life and that's like a foundation for me that keeps me sane or insane.

I've been in a primary relationship for 11 years. It's all open. You know its funny, we are adults... we try to be. The reality is sex is fun but it's not the end all be all. Sometimes I see two people who are so mismatched and that they don't communicate, they are both sneaking. If you are coming from a place of good intention, you can fuck up and there's this sort of check and balance thing. But if your intention is "I'm gonna get mine and fuck you" it's really yourself you are fucking over. You just damaged the relationship- and that's another human being.

So we have an open relationship and what was funny was when we would entertain other men, I can't tell you how many guys would be reduced to tears... and they were just like, "You guys are so tight and you can tell you're in love, and you guys are so fucking hot." We didn't start playing (with other guys) for like a year and a half; you gotta be comfortable and define the foundation first. I love to watch him fuck, I love to watch him get fucked and vice versa.

There are times when a person is more attracted to one person than the other in a threesome, it's inevitable. But don't dish me out of the room, have manners. Its manners! And it's the way in which you do it that honors the other person in the room and vice versa.

Well, I didn't try speed until I was like 38. Yeah, 38, 39- I was in my late 30's. It was my partners B-day and we were entertaining this really hot guy, this fun guy and we'd been in SF for a little over year and I'd never heard of crystal. I mean, I'd done coke once when I was 35 and thought it was the most boring shit in the world, and I could not believe that I'd seen people blow fortunes up their noses in New York.

It was very interesting because I do have ADD. This guy offered it. So we tried it, and it was really nice. It sort of quieted all that chatter in my head and I was real focused and my partner really liked it too. And we were like "Okay, this is not bad." This was like 1998. It's interesting, watching this curve go up and down. People who were partying were still stigmatized. As somebody who is still HIV negative it was very strange when I came to San Francisco... all of a sudden it's like, if you were not positive, people didn't want to play with you... I thought "Goddamn!" I thought, I did all this shit to stay negative and all of a sudden now I'm stigmatized. And you know, poz people were playing with poz people playing with crystal... so we made a decision... you know, this is really good... this is probably really powerful stuff. So we both had really good, very responsible jobs. And very demanding jobs and we said that we will only play on long weekends which we counted to like 4x a year.

I have a disabled partner which is a challenge. And his illness changed things... drastically... I think it was about a year and a half ago that I really admitted that a lot of the crystal use was an attempt at recapturing something that was in the past. His illness has affected his libido, and he's younger than I am but its hard, cause he says sex, washing dishes, doing the laundry, taking a nap... they all sort of have equal luster, its tough cause he's still young. He's not even forty yet. I have been sort of coming to terms with...when it comes to crystal use... putting it into perspective. The bottom line is it's been hard having my lover get seriously ill and having things change because we had a really really solid connection, you know it was 5-6 years into our relationship and we looked at each other going, you know, "Aren't we supposed to be bored by now?" And we weren't!

That whole thing, if you are using it to fill a void you are in trouble, because it's a bottomless pit. If you are using it to enhance an experience and you're already filling yourself up, then I think that... that wasn't always the way I used...and I think there was a point where I got too dependent on stimulants and I had to stop myself and say "whoa!"

Well, a lot of it was situational. I lost four extremely close friends within a year and it seemed like my partner became 100% totally dependent upon me, financial things, you know, 911, the dot.com bust. We used to make good money to making barely enough to survive on. Oh, I had a lot of compelling reasons. I found that demands on my time were significant, 2 or 3 emergency room visits in a week to the hospital and having to be up all night long.

So, there were periods where I was using daily and I was just like "Uh I gotta stop, my body is just like.. I can't take anymore." That would go on for a month, and I'd say I just need to clean out for a couple of months. So that was kind of my practice and it was in the last year that I managed to make it. There's a certain trade off no matter what when you use... I don't know, for me, there's a certain energy that can engulf people using crystal. Dealing with people to obtain and purchase-dealing with people who are on tweaker time. I'd have to wait hours and the quality... (sucked)

Part of the thing too was reconnecting with my spiritual side and realizing that when my partner got sick and when all these things happened there was a tremendous loss and it was multiple and all at once and it was really more than I could bear. ...it's also financial matters... That shit is not cheap ... It's not as expensive as some things, but I can't justify it all the time. I mean I can't afford it...its like robbing peter to pay Paul. There's a reality here that I gotta pay the rent first and I gotta do other things.

I used crystal to keep me buoyant so I could process the emotions, if not it was just like a big huge wave that was gonna engulf me. But at the same time, I started to take on the weight of the world and to forget I don't have to run the universe. And it kept getting harder and harder and harder until I turned around and said "Wait a second!" if I don't artificially keep myself up and I fall flat on my face on the pavement maybe that's the best thing, literally fall.. and go to sleep. Plus I try to remind myself that this is supposed to be about fun, now what's fun about being up for 3 days and getting soo sketchy. Its not even taking care of yourself at all.

So I found that, it's very hard to connect with my spiritual side when I'm on speed, I mean I'm aware of it but I don't have that deep connection. And so the more I started the practice of being present with myself the less I needed to take on the world. So I didn't need this, I could rely on what energy I had. Because I felt like I was borrowing from the future all the time. Eventually you look at the bank (your energy level ...its all interconnected and you start looking at your world and you go "I'm in deficit, I'm spending the future, and I'm only allocated so much energy every day-that's just a theory- and maybe I should be more loving to myself and take care of myself better." As I ridded those things... then I sort of felt the desire sort of wane. And I didn't have to fight it, I mean I see people fighting this stuff, they demonize it and it becomes.... I say if 12 step works for you... knock yourself out, but their success rates are abysmal. And they hurt people. I mean people come away from that feeling defeated and like "Uh! A slip!" okay.... How do you feel about yourself? You know it's like it's built in, put the club in your hand and beat yourself. And most of us on some level are self medicating that small- to big- to medium voice- that says I'm not enough...you know, the committee.

I remember the first time I went to the needle exchange on Hemlock and it's like no guilt...no shame. People were really nice. You know, the less guilt and shame we have the more liberating it is and I think the less addictive it becomes. Getting high is something that is pleasurable and the thing that your addicted to, to me it sometimes seems like a cop out, it's like "I'm addicted... I can't stop" its like, "Oh bullshit." I mean, really, lets get real... you can. I think when you learn what's holding you, what it's covering up...and what it's keeping you from seeing... but you know, I have no regrets. I mean I still think its one of the best antidepressants out there, its unfortunate you can't get it more sanitary.

I have this ability to say "Okay, this is what I want to do. Set a vision, and then sort of allow what you are doing to coexist with what you want without any stress and it sort of draws you, its sort of the mechanics of the universe, it draws you towards what you want without a lot of stress. Its like... its okay ...here's where I am, this is the circumstances of my life and I can sit here and kick myself or I can say, okay I'm a human being, I'm trying to...we're all here learning the initiation into love. And I can kick myself and it doesn't get any better. I am where I'm at, maybe yeah, in time I'll learn what got me there. So when I decided that it was time to cut back it was almost a natural thing for me to just slow down.

I've only been slamming for 3 years and again I've now come to my what I call my 120/7 policy- which is 4 months where I don't do anything and then I'll allow myself a weekend to use and its real easy. Its back to my 4 times a year and it's a treat and you don't build up tolerances and also... lets face it... its toxic crap- you've gotta love yourself- and it gives me something to look forward to and it doesn't' govern my life. I have other things that are pleasurable. I mean, I love meeting with people and cooking and having fun, traveling, having a life, I have three kitty cats that I'm daddy to and they need me. I have to be there for my partner who depends on certain things...you know...like my not being trashed. One of the things this mentor taught me about it, is that it's a sacrament almost, it's a treat. Tina's either running you or you're running her... so... as task master she's a bitch, you know? You gotta keep grounded, it's like "I invite you when I invite you. And don't show up when I don't want you... and don't be calling when I don't want you."

I find the first 72 hours to be annoying. But I also follow protocol set down by the work of Dr. Charles Gant, PhD. He wrote a book called End Your Addiction Now. I think it should be on everybody who uses drugs bookshelf. That's part of the whole thing, if you are gonna use, you should know what you are doing and what effect its going to have on your body. I stock up on amino acids, I drink a lot of water, make sure that I'm eating, that I'm not just depleting myself... and it helps... it helps... it helps. Knowing what to expect when I crash or stop, you know? "Okay I'm going to be tired for a couple of days" and try to manage that... and you know that it will go away, I haven't used in a month and I feel fine.

I don't fight the demon. Every once in awhile it will pop into your head, you know?. You can't control thoughts that pop into your head but you don't have to nest them and build a house for them. In the beginning, especially with meth, get whatever support you need. I hate the term "slips", know that there are going to be triggers, know what your triggers are. I don't go online...I canceled my AOL account not because "Oh, I have to stay away from all the temptation" but because...what's a better use of my time? I'm reading some really great books. I'm seeing movies. I'm cooking again.

The biggest lesson for me right now is to remember the illness with my partner, the drug use...all this stuff led to one thing... which was taking care of myself and what fills me up. When you are not doing what fills you up, I think there's a tendency to want to medicate because it becomes very painful. Life becomes drudgery. There's certain things that used to fill me up that probably aren't there anymore. I mean I'm madly in love with this man who will most likely never be the person I fell in love with, yet I'm still involved and that is a challenge. If I come to that with love, I get to pass go and collect 200 dollars. If I don't, I just get to keep going around until I figure it out or not figure it out, but just do it.