Joel, a Speed Project's Peer educator, interviewed other guys about their thoughts on harm reduction, what it means to practice it in your life, and managing speed use. A couple guys at our Wednesday drop in group decided to join him and here are their thoughts....

JOEL: Let's kick of with this question, before coming to the speed project, what did you know about harm reduction? And after getting involved with the Speed Project, has anything changed for you given the harm reduction concepts the speed project promotes?

MARCUS: Actually, I knew quite a bit about it; I had been to a couple of harm reduction courses and I try to practice it in my life. Some programs put their own boundaries of what they think harm reduction is and isn't or present it like an NA type thing. The Speed Project always points out that nothing is wrong and nothing is right, it's what it feels like to you... I always assumed harm reduction was what felt right and helped you get to where you wanted to go. Practicing harm reduction, it's a good way to try to level your self out, a good way to learn about how to use safely, and how to come down. Most of the things I hear about people getting hurt partying are related to people getting dehydrated and people having heart attacks...so harm reduction supports people in figuring out good ways to stay hydrated, good ways to crash. Also, I know a lot of people that use and they know they are using too much, so they want to start that process of slowing down. They need to know... where can I go? How can I use and cut back? And stuff like that. Just floating ideas and talking to people helps a lot. I was talking to this one kid and he had no idea that he could even think about cutting back, it's a new philosophy.

DUANE: I've heard quite a bit about harm reduction through 12 step programs, through friends, and just kind of my own behavior around using. There are some things that I do that are really specific to in terms of limiting the harm I do to myself through my speed use. So, it's something I am very familiar with. I like the way that the Speed Project presents itself; it's a more cheerful harm reduction. Sometimes harm reduction seems like a heavy thing, depending on who is presenting it. And what's changed for me? Maybe not the harm reduction concepts per se...but the practices. I do read the zine. I was fortunate enough to go to the very focus group they had about the zine. There was a lot of discussion about the zine itself- a lot of the articles in there about how to take care of your veins I have found very useful, some of the stories that people have written I could relate to. There was one in particular, called "S Stands for Stop Stealing Other People's Shit" which I could relate to...I've been coming to the drop in group for about a year now, and you kind of build a camaraderie with people. It helps keep me aware of practicing harm reduction in my life and it's a place for me to come and get things out and off my chest and not really worry about what other people will say.

JOEL: When I told my friends I was going to be doing stuff with harm reduction and integrating it into my own life, their thoughts on it went along these lines... "Well, harm reduction gives you permission to use speed and to use more or it, only safer, right?"

What can you say to that that might help give them a different perspective?

MARCUS: Well, I used to think that, but now that I am a peer educator I don't know anyone who uses harm reduction to say 'Oh I could use a lot more!" I think really you gave yourself permission along time ago to use drugs, so, that's not an issue. Actually I see the direct opposite change, everybody I've dealt with either cuts down dramatically or uses speed dramatically safer...that's the whole idea, self preservation. Come down tactics, health tips while using. What harm reduction does is.... you give yourself permission to redeem yourself; you give yourself permission to love yourself.

In a lot of drug using situations, whether its coke or crank, its not really about the dope being bad, its about the harm from the people and the situations you are in, you know, like being in the tenderloin at 5:30 in the morning getting chased down the street...shit like that. So, I think it makes people more aware of their choices, their surroundings and what they are doing. The issue of giving yourself permission to use drugs never came up for me because if you are using... you already gave yourself permission...

DUANE: What would I want them to hear about harm reduction? I would say that there are two things, one...there are some basic harm reduction practices and secondly everybody has to tailor it to fit themselves. The basics are to hydrate, I drink a ton of Gatorade and I eat regularly and even if I don't sleep, I rest. I bathe, that's for your physical and mental health. I am fortunate enough to have a bathtub and I have found that's my thing, to get in the bath and light candles. I sit there and I watch porn or chill out and watch football and decompress. Try to find some outlet for yourself. It doesn't always have to be about sex when you are high- there's a lot of other things to do. Just be your own man or woman or whatever, don't diminish yourself behind some dope, if your going to do something... do it because you want to do it, that's a really big thing.

Honestly, at this point in my life I really regret shooting up.... it was kind of a follow. The one good thing that came out of it is it took me off crack; I hated crack and blowing all my money. Overall though, if you look at the effect upon me and my relationship it's been damaging... if you have a certain kind of personality, like mine, its just in my personality to go for the rush, I enjoy the rush. I don't really get the rush anymore, but I still get the really good fucking dope. I pretty much muscle now because my veins are fucked up and being that I am HIV positive I am probably going to be one of those guys that end up in the hospital.

If you chose to go ahead and shoot it, be prepared for the consequences. I am pretty much aware there's gonna be a price to pay and pitfalls. I guess right now I am willing to face up to that, whether I want to or not. I think my regrets are probably more health related than anything else. I'd rather have good health than fucking money in the long run. So, I am hoping that I can quit or cut severely back, I am still in really good health all things considered right now. I don't like the idea of quote unquote "quitting" ... I haven't really talked to anybody about this...my case manager doesn't know that I am using as much as I am, my girlfriend doesn't know I am using as much as I am, and I don't really look like I am fucked up most of the time, its just such a part of me now that nobody really notices. The hardest part now, is if I stop, I'll be tired, I'll be extremely tired and I'll get nothing done. I don't like that- so I don't know what to do, I need to rest. It's a shame; I really do need to rest.

JOEL: What's changed since your involvement with the speed project?

MARCUS: Actually, I've cut way back on my speed use and increased my workload. When I first started with the project I was homeless, I got a place got myself a place and then I lost my place and now I am really watching my p's and q's staying at the shelter trying to get housed again. I knew if I was using I couldn't do what I wanted to do... I was at the point where I wasn't even going to work and they were telling me either start doing some work calls or lose your journeyman status, and that was a wakeup call for me. That's when I said, wait a minute! A lot of things are at risk...Now that I am not using as much I don't put up with a lot of bullshit that I used to, all the degradation. I guess when you are high all the time, you put up with a lot more stuff than you would otherwise, I see that now. It's been good for me to slow down and set some goals as far as living arrangements. The main thing is staying focused on what I want and I've actually cut back quite a bit. I save money, I actually went and got some mental health help, and I'm dealing with agencies I have never dealt with to get help. I am actually creating a health team for myself. A group of people that I feel confident in and can bounce ideas off of, and get suggestions for my well being- physical, financial, all that...and I would have never done that a year ago...

DUANE: It's gonna seem like a contradiction or oxymoron. I am a lot more confident in myself having gone through a few things and trying to set some goals and having achieved some of them, but by the same token, probably in the last 2 or 3 weeks since school started my usage has gone up. That's something I am really having a hard time breaking because I can't pursue a degree with 2 or 3 hours of sleep, so something's gotta give. I'm not really sure how I m going to do that... so I would say in terms of setting goals and achieving them, that part has been a lot better, but also by the same token my usage has gone up to get the work done... part of is that's its just so easy to get speed- I just go upstairs and ask for it-and then I try to study...I've been up for 3 days...studying... honestly I have been thinking about dropping everything this semester, getting a lot more balanced and then going back to school in the summer....I don't feel like I am going to be able to keep this up and its probably going to stress me out a hell of a lot more... I am trying to be honest with myself.

JOEL: Looking at your cycle of use, for you, how does speed impact your daily life?

DUANE: It totally impacts it. It's as I said, my first couple days of school I literally couldn't get out of bed without smoking a bowl, taking a hit or two. I'll have a bowl loaded most times before I go out walking; its just so wrapped up....its really strained my relationship with my girlfriend. My using has gotten...it used to be I'd go out to clubs a lot, out to dinner-but after I started dating my girlfriend who is quite a bit older than me and doesn't use right now- I am very isolated and there's not too many other people I hang around with. So really, I just get high by myself, stay in my room, take a walk or whatever- but that's the part that really bothers me. Another thing, I don't know if its from staying up along time, cause really being up for 2 or 3 days is not really that difficult for me to do because I eat, I don't sleep necessarily but I do rest, I sit in my bathtub everyday that's my therapy, I lay on the bed...but I am seeing fucking bugs. And part of it is I live in a hotel, my room is really fucking clean but it's in a hotel. I'll see them... I'll be on my bed and see something out of the corner of my eye... and it's not a bug, and it's really starting to bother me. I already know that its not there, I've already determined that it's the light of the TV or whatever, okay cool, I'm not losing my mind or anything, but that part sucks...I've been fortunate... because I can eat fairly well, I have good diet and exercise, I haven't had any health problems to date but I see a lot of my friends that are 40 or 50 and dealing with a lot so there's a price to pay with this shit somewhere down the line.

I can tell you about a lot of areas in my life where I am very responsible- I try to take care of myself, I don't call my family for help- I call them to talk to them and stuff like that- I make sure that I have food in the fridge, I have toilet paper, I have all the basics that a person should have and that's a part of me I really like. There was a point when I was still smoking crack when I couldn't do anything, I couldn't be trusted. In a lot of ways, I really like the person I have become... but I am not succeeding the way that I could if I wasn't using. And that part is frustrating. I can find every reason to not quit...basically I don't want to go through that uncomfortableness, and that's how I am going to feel...when I come down. The depression...my depression is really bad when I come down, within a day I am just crying over watching a basketball game or reading the paper. I'll get upset over things like that, I'll get upset at being tired. Its that skin crawling kind of detox feeling, its going to be really really rough.....

JOEL: Some of the guys I know, when they try to find other ways to manage their use- to not quit using entirely and to balance out their lives, what ends up happening is sometimes they fall back into old cycles of use and before the know it they are out of control again. Any thoughts on how that happens?

MARCUS: We touched on dealing with your true self, any time you are trying to do some real changing... you have to get real honest with yourself. I know through NA and AA you can stop using drugs, but if you don't deal with your issues... and I think that's a big thing with harm reduction too, if you are cutting back then you need to know the reason why and you have to deal with yourself honestly. For me that's why I have my support team- because if I come around with some bullshit they'll say, "Hey Marcus, that sounds like bullshit" so I can get some honest feedback. I think everybody needs that.

So for me, knowing my real self, being able to withstand the urge to use and using more safely when I want to use, and not going out on Monday night and getting drugs. I know how to manage it now- whereas before I just did it if it was there.

JOEL: Duane, what would you say has most influenced your speed use?

DUANE: Without a doubt, my emotions. Using speed doesn't take away sadness or anything like that, but it certainly puts it over there for right now... without a doubt.

My speed use generally revolves around conflicts with my girlfriend-there are a lot of emotions, feelings, and a lot of unresolved issues there, so its my comfort zone to go get high. Especially when we'll go for a period without talking or calling or whatever, before it hurt the shit out of me- now during those rocky times the speed glosses over that period. Those things influences my using now more than anything else, that and probably just because it's easy to get speed for me, I am very tight with my connection, I get along with my connection well and I am trustworthy so it's kind of a curse...it is what it is...

JOEL: Marcus, do your health care providers know that you use speed?

MARCUS: Yes, I am real honest with my healthcare provider and they are used to dealing with gay men's health so, they actually asked if I had gotten involved with harm reduction. So, telling them hasn't been a problem, its real open communication. One of them is actually an old speed freak.

JOEL: So if you were talking to a guy who had concerns about telling their doctor or clinic they go to about their speed use, what would you say?

MARCUS: I'd tell them to be honest, and if the reaction didn't work out then get another doctor. Because it's your health- mental and physical. There still seems to be a bridge to build to get people to look at the information- especially younger guys. Younger guys still have that "I'm indestructible" thing. Harm reduction messages are out there now- I especially love the guys I do outreach to on the internet with, it's easy to just shoot them a weblink and I love it that they get back to me and we chat about it. That's a good feeling...still in certain cultures...Black, Hispanic, Filipinos a lot of Asians still are real down on it, and don't want to talk to their friends about it. I do outreach to a few guys who are Filipino and no one knows they use speed, their best friends don't even know. They are all bi guys and they all play, nobody knows they are playing. They are really having a hard time with it.

JOEL: So given all of that, do you feel there's a lot of shame around speed use?

MARCUS: I do outreach work with 2 different clienteles, my friends with money and my friends on this side of Van Ness. It's the same exact thing, the rich guys are all ashamed they are using. The homeless guys that are totally fucked up behind it who swear they are not abusing it, so I would say mixed. I'm not sure if it's the shame of other people knowing or the deep down shame within themselves, but maybe more of the isolation that comes with that. I'll see people and they are like "I'm not tweaking!" and they are spinning like a top, so.... hopefully guys will keep an eye on these articles and just like happens sometimes at NA meetings they'll go....they are telling MY STORY!

JOEL: Yeah, when someone is actually sharing their story...that's what gets people's attention- it is certainly what gets my attention, the other practical stuff you just kind of work out for yourself...Thank you guys for doing this interview!