I used to say, "Oh I'll never do that!"

I'm 39 years old. I visited San Francisco on a vacation and it was the first time I'd ever been somewhere that I felt like I was home. I moved here the first time in 1996 and met my lover Scott and we moved to Palm Springs together. He died in '99 and I always wanted to come back, so I moved back in 2004. I'm single. 

I'm currently homeless, which is something that's happened for the first time in my life. There have been times in my life where partying and sex were more important and I'd end up calling in sick to work that day and the search for dick would be my existence. And I screwed up, you know? I was at the ______hotel last year and I got evicted because I quit going to work. I was more concerned with sex and dope. That happens periodically throughout my life. I've never ended up homeless because if it. But, you know, it happened. If somebody asks me, "Well, why are you homeless?" I'll tell them. I'm not ashamed of what happened. It's part of my life. It's part of who I am. All my experiences in my life make up who I am. I may not love myself but I like myself today.

I don't like living outdoors but it's good to know I don't have to be pampered; I'm not someone that has to have things handed to them on a silver platter. My best friend taught me everything. I know how to survive the streets now- I can actually live and be quite comfortable out on the street, so I owe a lot to him. I'd like to be living indoors. I'd like to have a job. I'd like to have more money. But I'm content and at peace with myself. And this is the only city I've ever felt that. My daily hangouts are the library and the squat where my friend and I stay. We actually found a great spot. We've been there for over a month and I haven't been bothered; the police don't come by and say "You gotta pack up and get going!" and that's really great. If I'm out cruising I'll go South of Market, Folsom Gulch, Ringold Alley or over to Collingwood Park.

If I've got a job-then I'm at work. I do find work, I'm not one to hang out on street corners and beg for money. People in the city that just stare through panhandlers and pretend that you're not even there or that you never spoke to them irk me. I'm a firm believer in, even if you don't have anything to give, or don't want to give anything, show the common courtesy of acknowledging that the person exists. You don't like homeless people on the street? You don't like them begging for money, fine. But, you don't need to treat them like they're trash. I've been known to yell at rude ones which doesn't make for good panhandling. Some people think being nice is a sign of weakness- it is not. It's called humanity.

As strange as it sounds, I get my work ethic from the person I despised most in my life, which is my father. No matter what, I will say one thing; the man has always gotten up and went to work. Yeah, there have been times I have called in sick to work because I was just too damn tired from being up partying or I overslept because I'd finally gone to sleep after so many days and missed a day of work. There's also days where I've been dog ass tired and I still crawled out of my bed, and sometimes that bed has been right there on the sidewalk, and I get my ass to work and put in my eight hours because I promised that employer when they hired me that I would be at work. It's been ingrained in me since I was a young kid. I started working when I was 13.

I come from redneck ranchers. My dad used to say things like "No use for fags" and "Better not be a fucking fag in this family" So I knew, I knew it was not good to be what I was. It was not okay to be gay. I'm not like most guys who party. Most people I hang out with have been doing drugs since they were 12 and 13 years old. I didn't start doing drugs until after I graduated high school. In school I always got straight A's. I was part of the drama club; I was in all the plays and on yearbook staff. I was smart. I wasn't popular; I was extremely fat and very shy but I did enjoy my high school years. I was very anti drug in high school. The year after high school some of my friends started smoking pot and doing speed and I bought my first quarter from one of the guys that worked at my dad's welding shop.

I liked what speed did. I loved what it did. I was really energized. I was awake and horny.... in Southern California speed was really good in the 80s; I mean really good shit. I'm not one of those people that's first quarter lasted them a week. My first quarter lasted me two lines... and then my first quarter was gone. Later I met people who got me to start dealing for them in the gay bars in Palm Springs. They were old bikers and that's where I learned you don't snitch no matter what. You show class- not ass- and always respect. That's an old biker code.

When I first came out, I was overweight. I was shy. I would go into a bar and sit in a corner and not go up and talk to anyone; and then leave hours later depressed and suicidal because no one came up and talked to me. I wasted so many opportunities because I was afraid. For many years, doing speed was a party thing. We'd get high and we'd play cards all night. We'd get high and we'd shoot pool, or we'd get high and shoot darts. It didn't turn into a major sex thing for me until like mid 90s. I really can't say when that shift happened- sex and speed together- I don't know if it was a gradual thing or it was just an instant thing.

For part of the 90s I was sober. I didn't touch anything. I was also celibate and very lonely. It always happens. I get sober and don't touch any drugs, I'm single and I'm celibate and I get very overweight. I blow up. If I got totally sober right now I guarantee you in two weeks I would be back up to at least a 34 inch waist because it's just how my metabolism is. And I love food, God do I love food. And that's the other problem, is I love food. I love chocolate and burgers and everything else. At one point I was 378 pounds and had a 52 inch waist. Of course, I'm now down to 150 and I've got about a 29 inch waist. I could stand to gain a couple of pounds- probably that's not all due to drugs, a lot of it is the combination of homelessness and drugs.

I dated a guy in 2000 that got me to start slamming. He said "You really need to try it this way. You'd really, really like it." I was deathly afraid of needles. The first time I had my eyes closed, my head turned, my arm stuck out, going "Okay, go ahead." Oh my God, the first time... it was like Oh Lord. It was amazing. I felt like I'd found the other half of my soul, my love mate, my best friend all rolled into one. As much as I like slamming and as much as I love it...there are times that I wish I hadn't started.

These straight guys who say, "Ooh it's the drug that makes me do it." I mean, we really don't care that you like to have sex with men when you're high. Big deal, but don't lie to yourself about it. As gay man, I don't do speed and all of a sudden want to have sex with a woman. So it's not the drug, it's that men are pigs. We'll have sex at the drop of a hat, the thought of a hat, the mere mention of a hat and we're going to have sex. Men are pigs. That's why I don't believe in monogamy for men. It's good in theory. It doesn't usually work in practice. Every one of my relationships has been open and that has worked out fabulously. I've always told my boyfriends, "I don't care who you fuck or get fucked by. Just tell me about it so I can get off on hearing about it." I'm a big time pervert. I don't believe in any sexual taboos as long as both parties are consenting. I don't believe that anything is wrong. If it feels good, I'm going to do it.

I've never been one to practice safe sex. I could say "Oh, the speed makes me not want to practice safe sex!" Bullshit. It's just I'm a firm believer that if you don't swallow it or take it up your ass then it's just a waste. Most people look at me and say "Oh my God! That's dangerous!" I'm like "Yeah, fuck you. It's my personal belief, my choice." I've had unprotected sex with people who I know are HIV positive without protection. Down in Palm Springs there is no needle exchange and I've shared needles with people who I know were HIV positive and Hep C positive because they told me beforehand. At the time I didn't give a shit-I wanted to get high. Give me the God damn rig. Sometimes I had bleach and bleached it out; sometimes I didn't and just used it anyway.

I was a young gay man when AIDS was first coming out, and I have to say I was one of those people that thought "It's never going to happen to me." I used to hook up at the local rest area. No one talked about if they were HIV positive, it was not something that was discussed. You hook up, you go out to this person's car or in the sleeper of their diesel truck and you have sex. Now I meet hookups on the street, on the chat lines, rarely in a bar. If they're into having sex with me I'll pick up anyone anywhere. Now that I am homeless I've hooked up with other homeless guys. I've hooked up with guys that have homes. To me it doesn't matter as long as there's an attraction there. Even if they're doing it just because I'm getting them high, I don't care. I like daddies, ex-cons, bikers, skaters, bad boys. I'm a bad boy type person and that ain't going to change.

My sexual activities have changed throughout the years. I was very vanilla when I was first coming out, I used to be really shy and not want to talk about myself a whole lot, but the bikers I mentioned earlier taught me the saying "A closed mouth doesn't get fed." I thought, wow that's just brilliant. It never occurred to me that I wasn't getting what I wanted because I wasn't telling what I wanted. Even if people don't like what you say, you have the right to say it anyways, because it's what's going on in you. It's what you're thinking, feeling, whatever.

I've gotten into S and M, but am not into scat and I will not inflict pain or have it inflicted on me. I won't ever be fisted, but I will fist somebody if that's what they want. They're letting me put my hand someplace where I could do great damage and they trust me. It's like "Oh power! Power over you! I am Darth Vader! I have you in my power." It's great. It's a rush. It's almost like doing speed. Would I have thought when I first came out that I was going to be sticking my hand up someone's ass? Never in a million years. I get into rape scenes and tying people up and I like to be tied up and fucked. That's stuff that I got into after I started slamming. I was like... how interesting. I like to do all that. I like to do a little kink.

If somebody is into something I am not, more power to them. Am I going to hook up with them? Probably not. Will I make them feel bad about it? No. I'll say, "Well that's alright but it's not my cup of tea, have a nice day!" When I'm hooking up on the chat lines or on the computer, people can be rude as hell. If you don't like the look of somebody after they've described themselves, or you're not into what they're into, at least be nice to them about it! Just say "That's not what I'm looking for, thank you very much, hope you find it!" This goes to other gay men out there. Stop being bitches!!

Up until I got involved with the Speed Project, I really didn't ask partners about HIV status ahead of time. If they wanted to divulge the information- they divulged it. If they didn't want to divulge it, I didn't ask. That's kind of an ostrich burying your head in the sand kind of thing. But, I've never wanted to treat somebody differently because they're HIV positive. A lot of the guys I've hooked up with who were positive say "I'm HIV positive" with apprehension, or start off like "God, I really don't want to tell you this, but..." expecting a very bad response. Back when I was overweight I used to get that kind of response from people. They'd look at me, "God don't you go to the gym, you don't you workout!" I'm sure the HIV positive people get the same kind of shit, if you're not HIV negative then we don't want to have anything to do with you. If you're not thin and gorgeous we don't want anything to do with you. It's kind of the same thing.

When I'm passing out information for the Speed Project I support people to talk about HIV status. I don't always practice what I preach. But most of the people I hook up with let you know their status right away anyways. One time someone didn't tell me he was positive before we had sex and I thought that was kind of fucked up. He lied. When I found out that he was positive I was furious. Not because I thought he may have infected me, but because he lied to me. To me, lying to somebody is the worst thing. Tell me the truth! I hate liars; I just despise liars. If you can't be honest with me, then I don't want anything to do with you.

And as for protection, I've left it up to them. I've bottomed for people who are HIV positive and it's up to them if they want to use protection. If their policy is to always use a condom, great. If their policy is they don't want to use a condom, that's fine too. And if they say it's up to me, I say I don't care, however you want to do it. I don't like treating people differently. Do I force safe sex upon my partner? Absolutely not. I will never tell somebody "You must wear a condom." It's not my business to tell somebody that. Yes it's my health. Yes, it should be my business. But that's not how I think. I'm not going to force them. I won't let someone force me into doing something I don't want to do. If I'm topping somebody, I tell them I prefer not to use a condom. But I say "It's up to you. If you want me to use one, fine. If you don't care, then I won't use one." It's their choice.

When I top, basically I say, "I have herpes. The last time I tested I was negative. I try and get tested every six months." I let people know my patterns "I prefer not to wear condoms. I don't make my partners wear condoms. I like to shoot my load up a guy's ass. And I fuck rough. If you're into all that, great let's go. If you're not cool with that, we'll sit here and jack off watching the porn, it's up to you." Basically that's how I am. Blunt. If they say "Pull out... don't come inside me." that's fine. I don't have a problem with that. To me everything's negotiable as long as both parties are consenting. I prefer being the bottom and always have. I top by default...the only hard dick in the group! There are a thousand bottoms in a city with no tops. If you find a top that can top when they are high, go there! They're fun to find. How often do you find them? Not very often...

And now, later on in my life, it's like, you know I don't really care. This may sound ghoulish but I'm going to be turning 40 this year and most people I know with HIV, there's a long-term survival rate now. You get to have a nice happy 20 years with the meds that are out nowadays...and yes I know some people don't react well to the meds or they can't take the meds. But, in most cases HIV is treatable. If I end up getting it, so I end up getting it. I may try the HIV meds to keep it in check, I may not, it all depends. Yeah, this is probably not the best way to be thinking about it, but my thought is, I may not want to live to be 60. I don't want to live to be so old that someone's wiping my ass. I don't' want to be a burden on somebody else. I've probably been lucky in my life. I've never contracted anything worse than herpes, I was just tested a couple of weeks ago. I am still negative for HIV and hep C.

If I wanted to be the good little role mode I could say, "Oh yes, I want to be safer! Use condoms!" For myself, probably not. Will I keep advocating for it, yes. Encouraging my friends and making them aware of the information, yes. I let them make their own decisions. For myself, I practice harm reduction while injecting 100%. It is something that I didn't used to practice and now I practice faithfully. When it comes to injecting I am adamant about certain things. I will never share another needle again, ever, because in this city I don't have to. I volunteer at the needle exchange and I normally have more rigs than I need because I want to make sure that I not only have enough for myself and my friend and to make sure that anytime somebody comes up and needs a syringe, I've got them there.

When I am living indoors and I have a partner, speed doesn't have to be in the equation for me to have sex with somebody. If I'm not high, it's basically just oral or jacking off or I may top. It all depends. I can get just as turned on when I'm not high as when I am high. If I'm bottoming though, it's easier for me to get into a scene and relax if I am high. Because I'm sorry, when something is shoved up in there, that first few seconds it hurts... I don't care if you're really high or not. But when you're really high you take it a lot better. It lets me let go a lot easier. Speed doesn't have to be there when I have sex. It usually always is. I don't go out looking for sex unless I've already gotten high.

Speed has helped me open up sexually; there is stuff I'll do now sober that I wouldn't think of doing unless I was high years ago. So everything progresses. In a few years I'll probably think nothing about bottoming when I'm not high. Maybe when I'm a little bit older I will fell more comfortable with somebody else taking control when I'm not high.

I'm a work in progress. That's what human beings are. We're living thinking computers who have the ability to learn. And if we do stay in one spot then we're stagnate and we never grow. Harm reduction says support any positive change. My positive change was total safety in slamming. My sexual choices and practices may change in time; I don't like to ever say "never". To guys out there, definitely get hooked up with the Speed Project, come to our Wednesday drop in group, come to our functions. Information, even if you don't practice what you learn, is good. Knowledge is power- knowledge empowers every one of us.