By Ms. Tomás

I'm 51. I've lived in San Francisco for 15 years now. I came from Portland, Oregon to bury my lover Gabriel. Me and my lover were together for 14 and a half years in Portland. We would come down here on vacation. One thing was that whoever died first would be cremated and he died first. Our deal was to take a ferry ride under the Golden Gate Bridge, throw the other's ashes and a bouquet of a dozen yellow roses over and let two white pigeons go.

I did that and I never want back to Oregon because that's where we made a home. There were too many memories. We had a life there. I met him in Michoacan, Mexico at my grandmother's farm. I brought him up here and got his papers fixed and created a life for him. Oregon is where we settled down and I just couldn't go back. So I ended up staying here in San Francisco.

I'm originally from California, down in the Stockton Valley area but there's nothing there. Staying here after he died was hard. I had to let go, but I was grieving someone I was in love with. I was here and I had all this cash on me. I had 10 grand. I was going to just say for a month and go back but I didn't.

I took the money but instead of getting a motel, I went under the bridge and went into my substance abuse. I smoked crack and crystal meth to hide the feelings of hurt. That money went fast, in about six weeks or seven weeks. I also had some money from a trust set up by my parent's that I could draw from.

Living under the bridge, I was homeless for five and half years. It was easier to medicate than not. The bridge is off over by the Cal Train station. It was right after the earthquake. There was myself and four other guys. There were ten campsites. We had ten cats and they were all fixed. We cooked, we got food and we went to the shelter at 5^th and Bryant to take showers. We all wore clean clothes. We had a cooking pit with a shopping cart turned over in it for a grill. It was nice and we kept it clean. We had garbage bags and would go over to the train station to use the bathroom.

I stayed under the bridge for five years until a rat ran on top of me. That is what happened to make me leave. I was just so tired and needed to sleep after having been up then suddenly this rat as big as a cat came up between my legs over the top of my sleeping bag and blanket and onto my chest. It just stood there. I opened my eyes and all I could see were its pointed head and those two little red eyes looking at me. I screamed loud. He spun and turned so fast that there was a sound of a slap from its tail. That's how hard his tail hit me and that's how big it was.

I got up in that moment, got my bedding, went to the Cal Train station and got onto one of the cement slabs and made a conscious decision to change my life. I felt that was my higher power sending me a message that I wasn't supposed to be there, living like that down under a bridge. It was easy to get into shelter, then -- not like it is now. I went to the shelter at 5^th and Bryant and got on case management and started staying at the shelter on a regular basis.

One day this case manager took me under her wing. She moved me into a case management bed but my substance abuse kicked in and I lost the bed. I went out and stayed for three months. Then I went back and she got me a substance abuse bed for 30 days, got me on a detox program and told me about this other program for when I got out of detox.

I called the program. It was a St. Anthony program called Seaton Hall on Guerrero Street. I stayed there for 6 months and then went to another St. Anthony program. When I came out of there I had a job and was working at the Victorian Hotel in Jezebel's restaurant. I worked there for four and a half years. One day I got cut on a meat slicer. I am HIV positive and one of my waitresses knew and she made a big beef about it. They laid me off on disability but when the money ran out they wouldn't hire me back. That's ok. I'm not into lawsuits and bad karma. I try to be a peaceful person and live like that.

So, I went to Church Street Station, this 24 hour restaurant at the time, and I got hired on the spot. I stayed with them until the restaurant shut down. I was in stable housing and lived at Franciscan Towers. I stayed there for seven years on a Ryan White subsidy. One day I came back to the Towers and it had been my lover's birthday. I was really missing him and remembering what we used to do. One of those desk clerks came up to me and said, "Here, this is for you." That's all it took. For two years that desk clerk would come to my home, cook up my dope and distribute everything through me. They'd pay here and I would make the drop offs.

That's how I lost my housing subsidy. I just walked away from it two years ago. I left the Tenderloin and came to North Beach. I was homeless for 3 weeks and went to a community center. They put me on the Bridge Program through Lutheran Social Services. I saved 30 percent of my General Assistance check a month, I lived there for 8 months then I lost it. I went to Episcopal Sanctuary and stayed for three weeks. That's when my GA check went from $429 to $22.50 a month through Care Not Cash. That's when I made the conscious decision to give it up again.

I've got a year clean and sober now. I've got housing. I was just approved for SSI (Supplement Security Income) going back three years. I've got a nice little egg nest and haven't even cashed the last 3 checks yet. That's where I am today. I am clean and sober and I have clarity. I am happy to be involved with Tenderloin Health as a part of their Community At Work Training Program. I'm also a member of the San Francisco AIDS Foundation's Black Brother's Esteem program and a Harm Reduction Peer Educator for The Speed Project, distributing a community magazine called "Speedometer" along with safer sex kits.

I really enjoy my work. It's my new calling. It helps me stay strong. It's part of my network now. I'm going back to school to get the Health Worker's certificate. I still see everyone but now it's just, "Hi, how are you?"

I have a new boyfriend. He works in stem cell research at UCSF. He's never done drugs in his life. We've been together for nine months now. I'm just enjoying my outreach and being part of the community. That's what I'm doing today. I've turned to my higher power and I'm not giving up anymore.