Let the darkness go and breathe in the light

Growing up in a small suburb that was Klan headquarters in the south with only like six or seven other black families was rough. When I was in high school a teacher grabbed me by my hair and smeared my face against a blackboard that she had written AIDS and San Francisco on and then she said "That's where you're going." So I got kicked out of school for kicking her ass. I always wanted to be a part of the black community, so we would skip school and go to Atlanta.

When I was younger I did things different. From 16 all the way up until like 24 or 25 I was just a slut. That's why some people are like, "Oh, you ain't dead yet?" It was lack of education... for me reality didn't hit home until '94. Before that time it was a gay white disease in my head... black folks don't get HIV and AIDS. At the time of my first HIV test about 13 years ago I was the only one among my friends that tested negative. And it was a shock. Everybody was angry with me- they said I was the biggest slut of everybody, why did I test negative? They called me a "carrier" and when I was doing sex work they told the police I was passing the virus around. I went to jail. I was locked up, they tested me, and once I tested negative they let me out. If I had tested positive they told me I'd be facing 20 years in prison.

My friends that tested positive were completely cut off by their families, and my family said to me, "See what happens once you disobey God and blah blah?" They always throw church in it. After I moved to San Francisco I did an internship at Project Open Hand and people would tell me their story- their drug story, their war story of getting high and how they'd ended up positive. They told me to take their lead and use a condom. I've learned by going to support groups and sharing with my peers. I go to a support group with both negative and positive people because you get to hear what it's like to be negative and you hear what its like to live with HIV- all the medications you have to take and how the medications don't work for everybody and every case is different. And now I'm an educator on HIV and AIDS. So with all that I started taking responsibility about my status.

Nowadays, I just use condoms. No glove, No love. I walk in the neighborhood and people will joke, "Oh you ain't having sex with that bitch or you actually use a condom!"

In the beginning condoms were awkward for me. I wasn't sure it was going to feel right. All the different people from the street talking about its no good. It's not the real thing. It breaks anyway. It got easier after I learned how to use a condom and experimented with different brands 'til I found the right one. I recommend the Pleasure Plus condom. I love them because they got little bumps at the edge and it helps give feelings and all. And once you put lube in the tip it's just like not having a condom on at all.

I always keep a bowl of condoms and lube in my bedroom. When guys come over they look at that immediately grab a condom or they lie and say, "I always use condoms". They get the hint. I set up the atmosphere so I won't have to get into lots of questions.

I came here to be clean and sober, but when I moved to San Francisco I was like, "Oh no, this is not where I want to recover at." So I partied. My drugs of choice have changed over the years. When I was small, like 6 or 7 years old my grandfather would give me a drink because he said I talked too much. By the time I reached 12 years old, I could drink a whole 40 ouncer and feel no pain. I was known for getting money, getting alcohol, and getting acid to get my friends fucked up. We'd take some acid, get fucked up and freaked out and freak everybody else out around us... and we'd be the talk of the city. I was turned on to speed in Atlanta.

As far as partying and sex in San Francisco goes, I think using condoms is hard because I've been around my friends in the city and once they get high I always get kicked out of the party for saying, "Oh, here's some condoms." The response is usually, "Oh bitch, you're square. Get out." That happens a lot. Nobody wants to hear about that shit. That's what they tell me. Nobody wants to hear about HIV, AIDS, STDs. We are naked. We don't give a shit. Fuck it. Let's get our groove on. People think, I'm going to have sex, okay, fuck a condom. Everybody's dying. This is one big going away party, so let's party. So if people kick you out for bringing up condoms, it happens. But it's not personal. You gotta do what you gotta do.

The advantage of using condoms for me is at least you were safe. You don't have to burn yourself out or stress yourself out worrying "Was that person positive?" Even though they say getting HIV is not a death sentence, if I get infected by someone who has already gone through a lot of medications, none of those medications will work for me. Using condoms makes me calmer and at my age I need that.

The difficulty I've experienced around using condoms is getting the condom, opening it up, and trying to keep the same mood. You gotta keep it hot. So that's where the porn comes into play. Keep the porn playing in the background to keep the mood up. I will pre-open the condom so once we get into the mood you can pop the condom in your mouth and put on the condom on while you're giving head. Once we're in the mood and he gets hard, I don't ask at all. I just slip it on giving head, lube it up with spit. We have good hardcore sex until they come and then they say "Oh, you put a condom on me?" Some people say, "I never knew sex was this good with a condom."

For foreplay or head or whatever, I smell and look for sores. Sometimes I use a condom. Most of the time I won't. But that depends on if I brushed my teeth or not. If I brushed my teeth, I'm not having oral sex without a condom, foreplay or not. I usually wait two, three hours. They say to wait an hour but I don't trust that 'cause, you know, I believe my gums still may be sore.

For rimming, I use barriers like a dental dam 'cause I believe in preventing Hepatitis A. And I believe in preventing Hepatitis C so I look for cuts. I look for bruises. I won't have sex in the dark 'cause I got to see what's going on. 

 

I date guys who are positive and guys who are negative. I don't discriminate.

But, I don't like to talk about HIV status at first. I notice people don't want to talk about this, especially in the African-American and Latino communities, they don't talk about it. It breaks the mood, so I treat everybody as if they were positive. I've been with a few white guys who asked me my HIV status straight up and I told them I am HIV negative and they still didn't believe me... they said, "You people lie a lot," and I said, "No, the people in this community lie a lot," no matter what color they are. I still use a condoms with guys who tell me they are HIV negative because I don't know who they're sleeping with. I just don't bring up the status because I treat everybody like they're positive.

I have other rules that work for me too. I'm not going to put myself in a situation where people cross my boundaries. So I try never to have sex at someone else's house, a sex club, and I try to stay away from park sex. I like to have control by being in my own house, having my own money, so people do not try to control me with their drugs. Do this and that. No, no, no. When I know someone is coming over, I put my valuables up. I straighten up and I put stuff that looks sexual out- I don't want to look like a freak or something like that, I try to be casual with it.

All in all, what works for me is to believe in myself. I use things from Glide Memorial Church, the Methodist Church, the Pentecostals -- I take all the positives that help me and let go of all the negative, 'cause every religion has stuff to help you. I practice Buddhism and Buddhism will tell you, you can't change yourself from without. You need to start from within, polishing up your life. Get rid of things in your life you need to move out and bring in the good. Let the darkness go and breathe in the light.

I've been turning down lots of parties lately, you know, on the crack scene, on the speed scene or whatever -- because I've been trying to focus. What I do now is smoke marijuana to mellow me out, have a drink and maybe I'll go to sleep.