I tested positive when I was 18 years old, I had just come out of the closet when I was 15 so there was a very good likelihood that I was already positive and nobody knew. I was a very promiscuous young man, who wasn't when they were young men?...but to be 18 years old and have doctor's tell you that you're probably going to die in a couple of years wears on you in ways that you don't really think about. I was also in a relationship with someone at the time, he was already positive so I thought it would be great with both of us positive. He died seven years into the relationship though...that was 12 years ago, it took me took me a long time to grow through that and the grieving process.

I didn't tell anyone right away, because back then it was pretty much a death sentence, people would not speak to you, they wouldn't be your friend, you'd be ostracized and I ran in a very fast social set, you know you'd be at the opera one night, at the ballet the other night or there's an art opening and people were dying and people were very fearful so you just learned to keep your mouth shut. It took me about 4 years before I started telling others. I did tell my family right away though, in the event that I should die or my close personal friends you know but then I sorta became a poster child and still to this very day within the first 15-20 minutes of meeting someone, "Hi, I'm positive" I tell them right up front because I found that that saves me a lot of grief instead of waiting 6 months or a year to tell them after you're sort of emotionally invested in someone, if they would rather be a friend or whatever...it's not as shocking. That way they can decide right up front what they want to do, wanna get involved yes or no -- decide. You know and if they have a problem with it then it's their problem not yours, long ago I used to see it as my fault but now I know that it's not.

What made me decide about being upfront was witnessing a lot of folks not tell people until months or years had gone by. Then they would tell people, some of their closest, personal most intimate friends and they were bailed on, left holding the emotional bag and I just thought, "I don't want that to happen to me," so I decided to make a conscious effort, conscious decision to tell people as quickly as possible. Sometimes my approach was too direct and they wouldn't get it or they were scared by my approach. Now I try to say it with some humor or I try to be very matter of fact about it, I'll make jokes about dying like, "oh yea I went out urn shopping the other day" and people are like, that's just gross but it's a coping mechanism, you know? Or I'll be like "you know what, I'm not gonna be here much longer...let's hurry up here...I'm running outta time," or "you're late and I've only got 500 t-cells, lets go." And they get it, they understand now and I'm much more comfortable with it. It's been the longest most successful relationship I have with myself; my HIV status for 22 years...what are you gonna do?

When fucking I didn't used to say anything because I wanted to have some sort of release sexually and I thought "if they don't ask then why should I tell them?" I was very immature, emotionally and I just wasn't prepared...nobody is. But then as I became smarter and more aware of my body, I wanted to be wiser about things and smarter and the moral obligation does weigh on me. It's not always easy though, sometimes you just wanna get your rocks off but you wanna be the better person too. So I practice that more diligently these days...I'm pretty much a nun.

I think it was a couple of sexual situations that I encountered that made me wiser about being upfront with my status when fucking. It was a group scenario and a number of people mentioned that they were positive and the moment that someone else had mentioned that they were positive, other people in the group were like, "oh ok well I'm positive...oh I'm positive" and so all of a sudden you realized, "oh I'm not the only one here...oh my god I'm in a room with 5 guys and were all positive, oh ok great!" And then it was just out of the way and I thought well if I was brave enough to plan that in my personal life right up front that I am positive, then I can do that in my sexual life and let the chips fall where they may, you know? If someone was not interested well then there's a guy on every street corner or there's craigslist or whatever. It just made me think, if they can do it...I can do it, because these guys didn't look like I did...and you know if they were brave enough to do it...well why can't I do it?

Condoms were always minimal in my life. I'm from a generation where condoms were pretty much, why? You know and it was lamb skin and it was no fun and it was sloppy...condoms have gotten much better although I still get kinda frustrated with putting them on and then sometimes people are like, "oh for god's sake forget it," which leads to just going raw. It's always an effort so, I use more lube, I practice being a top less often and bottom more, which was interesting because I was more a top person before and then sort of transitioning into that was like "oh ok so you can multitask, read vanity fair and get fucked at the same time." Also being much more oral or you know telling someone not to cum inside me, which you can kind of gage when that sort of thing is happening and when you've been up for 3 days...who's gonna cum? I just can't be willy nilly out infecting people, you know? So you take some steps to work with what you got and what you like.

I'm the child of an alcoholic, my mother found religion in a bottle so I saw what alcohol did to people so alcohol was never my thing, it didn't shut the wheels down in my head from turning, whereas speed does that. I am able to not think, not feel...alcohol...no, it's just a downer.

I think I started using speed around the time I tested positive, I grew up in the foothills of Sacramento so I ran with a fairly quick crowd and someone just had it and they were like "do you want to try it?" and I asked well what's going to happen? Oh you know you'll just be up for days and you'll be able to dance the night away and I thought oh ok great. Then it just sort of progressed into just a weekend thing or it was a once a month thing or there would be this big club thing going on and you know I was young and the crowd that we were running with...I wouldn't say it was peer pressure but it was just sort of ingrained. It was a social thing and there would always seem to be key people that were like "ok we're getting stuff, so how much do you want or how much do you need" or "can you float me some cash" or "who's got the hook up?" Then somewhere along the line I'm not sure where it became more of a crutch and not as recreational. It became more of a helper, more of a "oh my god, I'm just not feelin it" or "oh my god I really kinda need it just to sorta get through this" you know because you end up just not happy or you're frustrated or you've been rejected and all of those emotions which are god given gifts, are emotions that you're meant to have. You're not meant to keep them quiet, you're not meant to control them, you're meant to feel them and experience them. You know things like crystal and drinking things like that can really numb all that stuff, which doesn't help you, you really should work through that because then you'll be a better person later.

In the beginning I didn't take care of my body at all, everything was just word of mouth, "oh make sure you drink a lot of water, make sure you're eating," but it was just word of mouth you know? You'd usually hear it from more experienced people in your social set. There as no explanation as to why water was so essential, there was no "oh this is dopamine" there was just a lot of trial and error. You would see someone going through various withdrawals or you'd see them sweating to death and you're like "well that can't be good." I remember I got a DUI and had to take a DUI class and learned how the brain works. So I picked up on how do I help my body help my brain kind of thing and then I figured liquor was not so good so then you drink more water, more juice or you eat or you try to sleep. You just lay there and close your eyes, "I'm sleeping, I'm sleeping...I'm pretending to....I'm still sleeping, my eyes are open...I'm still sleeping," you know? You know you've been up three days and you've had various parts of your body poked at and prodded and played with and plunged at kind of thing so it is important to really take care of the body.

I was in various sexual situations where you would assume that people are taking care of themselves. Then you would see some guys and think, "wow this person is not entirely right," I'd been up for a couple of days and well they say they'd been up for a couple of days and all of a sudden they go into convulsions and you've gotta call 911 or you've take care of them and you have no idea what's going on with them. So after that I thought I should really take care of myself or I should be really more aware you know? I've been up for four days, I probably don't need to go out, I probably just need to stay home and work through this or go sit in the bathtub or you know just something, anything. You really do put yourself at risk the moment you step out the door because you're not really paying attention to traffic you're not paying attention to MUNI or a cab driver that's crazed and then all of a sudden you're in some odd part of the city and you're in cartoonland or you're fuckin' schizophrenic and you're paranoid and you think they're all following you and you're looking over your shoulder and you're trying to be all coy about! So it's important to stay hydrated and stay nourished to some degree and not... doing another line, or doing another bump or smoking another pipe bowl because that isn't nourishment it really isn't. It took a while to sort of train my brain because my brain would be like, "just do another hit, you'll be fine," no, I'm not going to be fine you know and it takes a while to get there it didn't happen over night.

So I choose to do it a better way or a safer way, I choose to be healthier about speed and sex. It's important to have a boundary or have a limit, you know? Ok I'm going to play for 12 hours and try to stick to that and sure that hot guy is going to show up at 11 hours and 59 minutes and you're like ok, another 6 hours and I'll be good. But that's true of life, if I just have one more good day, I'll be good until next week or you know if you just give me another opportunity I'll show up for work for another day. There is always that hot guy, there is always another day, there's always another hour you know? You've just got to keep that all in perspective and you have to learn to respect yourself.