I've been in the Bay Area for 14 years. Right now, I am not working and am on disability for depression. I go through periods of depression. My energy level varies; it's been pretty good for the last 3 or 4 months. Earlier this year, I was very depressed and didn't go out much. I would use speed and go out to do a few things, but there is a different quality to getting high when you are depressed. Even speed doesn't really help you when you are depressed. It does sometimes, but you know it's artificial and the contrast from when you are high and not high is very stark. So, some of my life is being home and kind of isolated with my depression, which I am really working on. When I realize that's going on for too long I make myself go out and do things.

I live by myself. Right now, I am comfortably single. I have a lot of friends and an active social and sexual life. It's not always fun and games being single in SF, there's always a tendency for excess. I think it's very easy to be single here because you can always meet people and go out and have fun. I enjoy cruising; either on the street, in bars, sometimes on the internet and phone lines. I also meet new people through friends. I feel that in the last couple of years I've really learned how to enjoy being who I am and I feel comfortable- whether I come home alone or with someone else. 9 times out of 10 when I shut the door and lock it, whoever's there with me or if it's just me I am fine with that. That's a good place to be.

The Speed Project's been really good for me. It's been great to meet new people and have a place to go and interact with people where it's not sexual or sexually tense. It's funny because my use pattern has changed in a positive way since being part of the Speed Project. In retrospect I think I was using and having sex with people because I was lonely and so I find now that I have a bigger social network my standards have gone way up in terms of what I will tolerate in people. So that's changed and I am not particularly concerned about my speed use right now.

I haven't had sex without speed more than a handful of times in the last 10 years. When I was clean for 2 years I didn't have sex during that whole period and that's one of the reasons I went back to using. I don't know what that's about; it's very complicated. I don't think its true of all gay men, but I think a lot of us have that issue. Some people think one of the dangers of speed use is that once you start having sex on speed then you can't undo it. I think it's more like certain people gravitate towards drug use because of issues that they have. We find the drugs or the drugs find us. I am not as concerned about that as I am about accepting myself, not beating myself up and feeling bad about it. It's not like I am hurting people by having sex on drugs. I am not self destructive, I don't destroy rooms or beat people up or anything like that. Its consensual, people don't have to have sex with me. If I was the only guy in San Francisco that had that issue I would be home alone.

I remember the early days of the gay movement- I started going to gay meetings and stuff in 1974 or 75. I remember how being an out gay person was kind of radical, you know. It was kind of radical and some people would say to me, "Well, why are you doing this? We know there are gay people in the world! But why does everyone have to know?" And they don't ask that question anymore.

I deal with the same thing now as a guy who is out about PNP'ing, people ask "Why are you so blatant?" and I say, "You know, it's to save lives-my own and other peoples." The only reason why we still have an AIDS epidemic is because of communication. Right now, there could be no AIDS in the world if people had information, knew how to take care of themselves, and were honest about their status. I was dating someone who told me that he couldn't deal with my openness...he totally respected it, he really admired me for it- but he felt that for his life and his job and his neighbors- me showing up for a date with my speed project sweatshirt on was not the way he wanted to go. I totally respected him for that too, and I told him "I am so glad you said this, because obviously this isn't going to work. I don't want to censor myself and I don't want you to be embarrassed with me." It's a choice. I feel as someone who is part of a risk group it is part of my job-part of who I am- to say, if you are going to use speed- use responsibly. As a volunteer for the Speed Project and believer in harm reduction I am setting a small example for my peers, and that that's the first step to empowering yourself, to accept yourself and love yourself where you are at. I have had some problems with the police recently over stupid shit and I wonder sometimes if it's because I am out-and some of my friends say "well, you obviously don't give a shit". So this is to say, if you are going to do social change, it's not for everybody, because bad shit might happen.

I think that one of the things that I find interesting about his whole "meth epidemic" media hype is that at the same time the media is all crazy about gay men and speed we still don't have legal standing to have relationships in the same way as straight people. Not that the two are directly connected, but I think that is in the background for all gay men. We still have a sort of Jim Crow second class position in society and that surely doesn't help if you think that gay men should be having these 'healthy' relationships. It's only when we do the 'wrong thing' that people get concerned. But even the guys who are absolutely middle of the road- doing the "right thing"- they still don't have equal rights. The whole thing is kind of a mess; our whole society is kind of fucked up.

I think we need more people to say what they are doing and not to be ashamed about their lifestyles. All this denial- you shouldn't say who you are- I am really against that.

When I am interested in someone sexually, I am really up front right away about my sexual desire. I say, "I like you sexually" or ask, "Do you have sex with guys?" Or, "Are you gay?" I am upfront and there is no secrecy on my part. I think that sets the agenda for being able to talk about stuff and to set limits. I'm not domineering, like its all about my agenda, but I think it's good to set up a context where you can talk about things. I'll talk about my HIV status, I'll talk about a whole bunch of stuff right up front that I think lets them know that they can say what they like and what they don't like. That's one thing I really believe is important.

The topic of drugs will usually come up, particularly because of where I live downtown. I ask about how they do it. I tell them how I do it and that way there are no surprises because you don't want to get caught in a situation where you are with someone really hot and you go home with them and you're high and your turned on and you are ready to go, and you get to their house and they have a big old bag of speed and they say, "Well, I like to run it and I only have one rig" and you like to run it...and you go "wow"...and that's not a good place to be, you're already high and with someone you're really turned on to, and its this whole big surprise. So I try to avoid that whole situation by talking about it beforehand and that way we'll have clean points.

I think that's had a big impact ever since I became a secondary syringe exchanger, when I tell people I am a secondary exchanger they go, "Really?" At first they think I'm just exchanging needles for people and then I give them all the supplies you can get at the exchange and they go "Wow, you are really doing it." I just say give me your dirties and I'll give you cleans and I'll exchange them for you-I think that's really helped people do it more safely. You don't have to be an agency, you can affect change individually.

For sex, I kind of do my own version of serosorting- if I have anal sex I'm the top 99.9% of the time. I think in the last 10 years I've been a bottom 2 or 3 times. Its funny, when I moved out to san Francisco- this town is full of bottoms- and I was like, "Wow, this is really cool!" Like I said, I have a pretty active social life. Mostly, I don't use condoms but I will if someone wants me to. I have condoms at my house but I don't carry them with me. If I am at someone else's house and they want me to use one then I think they should have condoms around. I know it's risky to top without a condom but I think its relatively low risk compared to getting fucked without having a condom.

The other thing, I am getting older. I am in my fifties and my sexuality has changed a bit. If I go home with someone and it's not working out, it is not the end of the world. When I am with someone younger than me I think they think "What went wrong?" or they are blaming themselves, and I'm like, "Don't worry man. Go back out and meet someone else or go to sleep- it's not the end of the world". When I get high I don't have sex all the time. It used to be more of a sex thing, but sometimes now I don't. I don't get high as much as I used to, it may be an age thing. I like myself when I am not high.

Stonewall has this thing about how you have different stages of involvement with the drug you use, so there's the infatuation stage and the compromise stage, you try to compromise and then eventually you get to this sort of realistic view of it. You really see what the relationship is like with the drug and you don't romanticize it. I am definitely at that point now, where I'm not romanticizing it. I'm not putting down anybody's speed use or my own, I accept where people are at. But I definitely try to respect people who don't use speed any more too; I understand how people can get a negative attitude towards people who use speed. I think they are wrong, speed users are people just like everybody else. You can't tell me that everyone who is clean and sober is someone you want to hang out with and have sex with either, you know? I think sometimes people use someone's speed use as an excuse to dismiss them rather than just saying "you don't turn me on"...instead, it's "Oh you're a tweaker". I hate that term tweaker sometimes, it sounds so dismissive.

I assume everyone is positive unless I really know them. I think that if you are getting fucked by someone who you just met its way too late to worry about sero-converting. Not like I am cavalier about it, but every gay man has to make choices about the risks they are willing to take. I assume if I am fucking someone that they are positive.

I've met a couple of guys that told me that they want to seroconvert and that's a big turn off. Not only can I not do that for them because I am negative, I think that's kind of quasi suicidal behavior. It's a turn off. Not hot, definitely not hot.

I don't have anal sex all the time. And being older I don't cum in someone all the time either and I can't always predict how its going to go- how long I'll last or whatever... its not like I am losing control, its just that a normal 50 year old man just doesn't always know. I haven't gotten into the Viagra thing. I tried it once; I am not sure how much I like it. I've been sexually active since my late teens and its not that I am blasé about sex but it's not the main thing in my life. It's a good part of my life, but I like lots of other things too. I like doing artwork, I like listening to the radio, taking walks, hanging out with friends, it's part of it. That's harm reduction too, balance. Some people I meet all they can talk about is speed, speed, speed. Believe me, I am all for being out and being who you are...but there comes a point where it's like...what else is there? Well, okay fine, you do speed-I do speed...what else do we have in common?

Sometimes I will get really high and I'll think that I would like to be a bottom. But I never do it; it's like a fantasy that only happens when I get high. I can see how with the right person you could lose control and something bad could happen. That's something that I want to pay attention to. What has happened in those situations when I am with a person who wants to fuck me is and I say "Yeah, that'd be cool", and I just talk about it and we never really get around to it, and it's not intentional. I think in the moment I really am into it, but it never happens because it takes me a while to build up to it and by that time the person's given up. So I don't know if that's me subconsciously protecting myself but I guess that's my plan so far, is to just talk a good game about getting fucked but not really doing anything about it. Some people like that, for some people that's enough. I mean, I am a good talker. I can almost take you there just talking about it.

In the past if someone wanted to fuck me without a condom, I'd say, "Well, can you not come in my ass?" This has happened a couple times when I have bottomed and they agreed not to come in me, but afterwards I didn't feel good about it. I feel like that's a lot of trust to put in someone- sometimes with gay male sex the guy can be a real idiot. I really try to select guys that I feel are mature and not crazy, and I do have crazy in my life- but I don't have sex with them right now. But, it could happen you know. I know there's a morning after post exposure prophylaxis regimen but I've heard stories that it's hard to get. But I do have that in the back of my mind- I would do that.

Sometimes I feel guilty talking like this, like I'm saying "Oh I'm superior because I am negative and doing all the right things and you people who are positive are bad" and I don't feel that way at all. I totally understand all the different reasons why stuff happens and it could happen to me tomorrow. I am not saying I have all the answers. You know I've kind of always been a top even before I got into speed and sex. I lucked out in so many ways, when this epidemic began no one knew what the hell was going on and for the first couple of years I thought I was going to die too. Before the HIV virus was discovered, who knew? And all of a sudden your friends are dropping dead. And each time they narrowed it down to how it was transmitted I was lucky. I am a top, and again this is why I don't feel like I have any answers. It's just who I am. I think I would be doing it whether there was HIV or not.

If you had told me back in the 70's about the AIDS epidemic I would have said, this is science fiction- this is not going to happen. The gay community is really great because we've survived it; I've seen amazing resilience and strength, in all of us. When things get rough here in San Francisco, I know that whether or not I am negative or positive or I've used speed or I've stopped, that I feel that there's people who have gone through it and I will find support. I don't worry about that.