I come from an abusive family with heavy alcohol and drug issues. I am grateful to my family for what they did provide and I hate to say this, but I have to look at it honestly- I was fucked up and pretty scarred. I was never given the right tools- the way I learned to handle things, from training my dog or mastering myself or relating to people that I have any authority over-I didn't do it right. I had inherited this real southern arrogant authoritarian male thing and there are other ways of being in the world. I'm glad that I moved to the East Coast when I went to college, it was good for me.

In college, even though I was passing classes and stuff, it was a real struggle for me because I was fucked up all the time. I was a great partier, everybody loved me- I was gregarious. I over did it all the time- hangovers, blackouts... I moved to San Francisco to try to get away from that. In the 12 step programs they call that "pulling a geographic" which basically means that you think everything will change if you move away- I learned when I came out here and started going to 12 step meetings that maybe that's not true, maybe the change needs to happen within yourself.

I got introduced to speed in California. Before I tried speed I heard others dismissed with "Oh, he's a tweaker." I don't really think that people know why they ostracize and criticize tweakers. I had heard people say, "Oh, well...he's a faggot," my whole life and I didn't have any problem being a faggot-so that name calling didn't deter me. I was trying be somebody who was free- like "Hey, I am gay...get used to it!" It's different with drugs, you can't really say, "Yeah! I am high...get used to it!" because they will kick you out or get you arrested. I had to learn to lie and I've never been good at that...or learn to act, that's a better way to put it- how to cover up what is really going on.

At first using speed was really fun-kind of innocent. We'd go out to bars together or go to each others houses- it was a tight group and felt like family. We would do a couple lines or pass the pipe in a circle- so I wouldn't really get that tweaked. I would be up all weekend- if I did two lines now I wouldn't even feel it. I think tweaking is good, organizing your bag is good; taking something apart to understand how it works is good. People should be able to explore, have fun, understand stuff, play with things and make things work.

I think tweakers are great in that they put their aggression into the right place like, "I'm gonna fix this motorcycle," and they do everything they do with such commitment. I think that tweakers are really magical people. I allowed myself the tweak space to explore and it was really cool for me as an artist. Being able to feel the world differently was wonderful in a way. I don't ever regret having tried it. My early tweaking was really not about sex, it was about hanging out with people and projects. It did, over time, become a sexual thing which killed the other stuff I used to do when I partied, activities I found more useful in my life and that had more meaning than sex. The sex was fun...but it didn't lead to anything

I didn't get into slamming until many years later. My first experience slamming was kind of scary for me because it was nothing like doing a line or smoking. It was a completely different thing, I thought I was dying...I thought I had overdosed. My head was spinning and I felt like everybody could read my mind-even people in cars outside on the street. It was like everything slowed down and the world was dependent upon my thoughts- when I had a thought... things could continue. Besides being scary- it was a glorious feeling. I didn't feel anything sexual...I wasn't interested in sex at all- how people say about slamming, "Oh the sexual rush, it goes right to your balls!" I didn't feel any of that...I felt like a little angel with no gonads, you know? A couple times later I was like "Oh!!!This is what they mean by the rush," I got it and it did become a sexual thing.

I became HIV+ in 2000- I had 140 t-cells and a viral load of 500,000 and was really sick at the time. I panicked. I pretty much got infected on purpose, if you will, I was very depressed...I was doing a lot of drugs and it wasn't working for me. I would set out to party and 3 days later I'd be like "Ok, that's over." But I didn't feel fulfilled in any way and the next week it was the same thing all over again. I was doing that instead of working and pursuing any of my goals.

In that condition, I fell in love- so I established an unhealthy relationship based around drugs and my housing needs. He had plenty of money coming in- enough for drugs, for food in the fridge, and for me next to him in the bed. Plus, he was cute. So I totally embraced that and it was kinda fun for about a year and a half. I woke up every morning and made grits- he was southern too...he just loved that-grits every morning- and I thought, "Well, if that is all it takes... then whatever." Eventually that fell apart because I don't think we were really in love or into building anything together. He already had it together and I was just fitting into it.

That relationship was a temporary life saver, I was desperate for some stability, a regular place to stay-but unfortunately, when I left that relationship I went right back out on the street and fell on my face again. I wasn't on meds yet, I didn't have any relationship to a supportive community and the HIV positive thing was really terrifying for me. I sort of expected the community to be there for me, you know? I thought, "Oh, I have a new identity; I'm HIV+ so I can meet other people who are HIV+."

Even though there are all these groups and stuff, not all of them are very hospitable. In fact, some of them are alienating; you have to do this rigorous intake before you can participate, maybe you just don't fit in, or you don't know anybody there, or its a small group of only 5 people and maybe they aren't your type of people. I was disappointed in San Francisco- the city of compassion- with so many people with HIV and so many people dead and dying. I couldn't believe how alone I really was. My report card for the city, going around doing all those intakes, everybody gets a D. I hope it has improved. Eventually I did hook up with some people who were great to be around and who helped my self esteem and helped me not just be an HIV+ person but also be a person with HIV who is pursuing other dreams.

As far as tweaking and having sex with groups of guys that I don't know, if I think back to the way I felt when I left those parties...it was really challenging for me. I'd be all cool and shit while it was going on, like "Oh yeah, that feels good and let's do this..." but inside I was terrified and uptight the whole time. After 12 hours of being uptight- when you leave you're just like, "Uuuuggghhh!" The tension was destroying my stomach. I don't know what I was worried about- we were all naked- it's not supposed to matter- but I wasn't feeling free and comfortable naked naturally- so I had difficulties.

Also as far as sex on speed, I had preferences that were too strong or important to me- I couldn't go with the flow. Yeah, it felt good to be touched- but I really wanted to be touched a particular way and I would let that preference be too important so I would have weird responses if a guy would touch me the "wrong way". Communication when you're tweaking is always a little bit different- I would flinch or kinda shift in bed or something like that it would turn into this huge scenario like, "Why did you do that?" Which didn't need to happen...for me it was difficult to be comfortable and open sexually and that nude publicly.

Sometimes when you do speed you lock onto subjects and obsess on things. You'll discuss something a little longer than normal- you have more energy and if you care about your position you're going to be emphatic. People react to that and then maybe you overreact to them by shutting down...on speed it's both a different kind of reaction and different level of reaction. People have these expectations about how they want things and people react to those expectations and may not be thinking the same way- so you can end up arguing about something neither one of you cares about.

Shooting changed things because when you're doing that much speed you have trouble socializing. If you are off at all, in my experience, people judge you, ostracize you and you're going to get slammed. So you stop going out in public, you do it at home in private. Initially crystal had been a very social drug for me and slamming sorta destroyed that relationship... it kind of started the divide for me- the divide I felt from my friends and community- which became a bigger problem when I became homeless.

You can be homeless for a week or a month and get over it... but no one should be living in the park for 6 years. I had friends who said, "No, I don't want you to come over or shower here" because they were embarrassed, felt like it would bring trouble or whatever their reasons were. I was out there for a long time unable to knock on a friend's door and ask for help. Everybody is afraid of guilt by association- there are a lot of betrayals. I'd like to see us help each other out. Just let somebody shower, it doesn't cost you anything, it's not going to jeopardize your fucking apartment-if you're relationship with your landlord is that weak anyway, then you need to move.

Despite the hard knocks, I made myself commit to San Francisco instead of moving again. I told myself, you chose this....you've been here for years...stick it out and find out what is wrong with you and try to change those things. SF is sometimes described as the most forgiving city in the world, and after several bouts of being homeless and jobless I realized that it's true. Yes, I am going through hard stuff, but this city is forgiving and it is helpful and it's good to realize that.

I don't really give a shit about speed; I think it has done enough damage in my life. Speed is shit... but on the other hand... I love it. As I am phasing it out, if it is offered I still grab it like it's the last breathe I'm ever going to have on earth, you know? It's sad... my mindset is like "I'm getting high now, I finally got the stuff, I have everything I need and I'm going!" That overrules things like; do I have a job to go to today? Am I expecting an important call in 30 minutes? There are always "yes's to those questions- but its time to get high because I have the stuff. It's really bad because those things are important but I am not unavailable.

My strategy is to distract myself from using speed- to get jazzed about something else and so far, that's working. But, maybe I need some help with that. I'm a little worried about it. I've proven that I don't need speed and I can stay away from it- but I've also gone back to it with a vigor... I don't want using speed to fuck up me reaching my goals. I may wanna consider what preventative methods that I can use to keep it out of my life and to keep committed to my goals. What is more important to me is that I have the rest of my life so that I'm focusing on what I want in my life and not treating a drug addiction as the main course or the thing that I need to treat. That is sorta working for me, it has gotten me this far.

Sometimes I still have successful good times on speed and find it useful in my life. I suffer from depression, lethargy and a slow metabolism. These things, when you have hepatitis and HIV, can lead to death. Depression can come on so bad that you don't get up outta your bed to do anything. Sometimes speed was a motivator for me. I would at least get outta bed to get the speed and then I would have enough energy to clean my room or something and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. There are a lot of stimulants that we take, everything you take into your body is medicinal; water, coffee, sugar, proteins, carbohydrates, all the medicines we take to fight disease...it's all for an effect. The problem is that I can't go out and party one night because it takes three of four days to recover and then I've fucked up a whole week. I really don't want that to happen so I'm going to have to look at some ways I can keep myself busy and keep myself focused.

I was sober twice for a year and a half each time. What I like about the 12 step model is the networking. I think it is great to have friends that care and there is no place I have found that better than the 12 step model. Having a circle of friends who are not willing to get me fucked up so that I screw my life up- would be nice. Friends who would be there for me, who would be available for coffee instead. I'm not really sure how much help I'm going to need. Maybe I'll start going to 12 step meetings just to have a couple of numbers so if I feel stressed or I'm really nervous and I wanna go out and get fucked up so I don't have all that tension, you know- maybe I could call my sponsor to kinda check that. It would be good to have a sponsor because I might come up against those pressures.

Both times when I got fucked up again after being sober, I smoked pot and I had a reason. There was a pain issue- an emotional issue and I was like "Well, I just want to smoke some pot to get through this week" or "Well, I just want to smoke some pot to to deal with this sickness." That was all well and good- slowly but surely I would have a cocktail that month and in six months be snorting speed. Maybe there is some truth to the theory that pot is a gateway drug...for me its kind of a stepping stone I guess.

Sobriety was good for me but I think that 12 step programs harp on it too much. In my experience it was better to move on and fill my time with something else. To me, if you have to go to talk about it all day every day- and if you're going to two meetings a day, you're still suffering from the disease. Maybe take one of those meeting time slots and go play basketball or something else you enjoy and don't drink so much coffee when you're at meetings.

It's been a long haul but I've made progress and things are turning around for me. It might be another decade before I'm clean and sober- I may never be clean and sober- but my use is not debilitating my life like it used to. Getting high is not as big a priority and I think that's because I've slowed down enough to look at and understand what causes me to want to use so much.