I've been living in the bay area about 25 years. The city is treating me okay; there was a time when things didn't look too well. I was homeless there for quite a few months, so those times were rough. I didn't have anyone to help me out when times got really bad. There were a lot of times when it was raining outside and I couldn't get anybody to help me. People have a limit to how much they'll do for you. I can understand that.

People look at speed use a lot differently than heroin use. You say you do heroin and people think the worst because I guess they've heard stories or even experienced people who were on it, and a lot of people just don't trust people on heroin. People just looked at you differently. And everyone is always telling you what you should do. No matter what they say, you're not gonna stop until you want to stop. They tell you, you could die of an overdose or what have you. I tried being honest with my one friend who I used to date and we had become friends. I told him about my drug addiction and I realized sometimes it doesn't pay to be honest with people. Because after that he figured whenever I was asking for money it was for heroin. So he cut me off, so then I had no one. So I had to hustle-but I never did anything that I didn't want to do, you know. There were times that I needed money, I needed food, and I needed heroin but I had my limits and I'd rather go without than to do something I wasn't comfortable with or didn't want to do.

The only person that I really had was my boyfriend and we lived on the streets and we did dates here and there to get by. Some of the things that I did to get money for heroin I wasn't proud of myself for doing. But you know, I had to do what I had to do at that time, I don't have any regrets. I did everything that I did because those were my choices at that time.

I haven't completely stopped doing drugs; I started doing speed a little bit more, but speed is nothing like heroin. My thing was to quit doing heroin because I wasn't doing it to get a buzz... I was doing it to feel well. With heroin you had to get heroin before you got a place to stay. It made no sense to me that a drug could take over and have so much control over you. When you got money you'd rather spend the money on heroin than getting a place to stay. That was one of the things I wanted to fix. I also knew that I was going to be getting some money from the state and I did not want to have money and have a heroin problem because I didn't want all my money to go to that... so that was one of the reasons why I wanted to quit. I just didn't want to be like that anymore... I just didn't want to wake up wondering what I had to do that day to get my fix. My boyfriend scared me a few times overdosing and we've had arguments where, you know ... it wasn't fun. And also my habit was tiny compared to his and he got to the point where we would get money and it was like, "I want to get a room" and he's like "Well, why don't you get 3 bags ($45.00)?" "I can get one bag." But he wouldn't be happy with the one, so to prevent a fight I would give him the money to go get the heroin and we're stuck on the street.

I had never gotten in trouble with the law and one day we were asleep up on Van Ness and were awakened by 2 police cars and all these cops and they're swearing and yelling and ended up arresting us because they found some heroin in my boyfriend's bag and I had these stolen credit cards that I was supposed to have thrown away and had stuck in my pocket. I ended up staying 2 days in jail, but the charges were dropped and hopefully, I'll never be in trouble with the law again. That makes you look at life in a different way and being on heroin and being in jail is no fun... no fun whatsoever

I was just tired of being weak, I was constantly weak and I was tired of hustling to get money and I was just tired of it just consuming my life....everything revolved around heroin. Getting heroin and then doing whatever it was I needed to do. The people I was hanging around with weren't good people. I mean, they were good people, but they were people you couldn't trust. I just needed more positive things in my life. Just realizing how much money we were spending on it- we were spending a lot of money on it- and didn't have anything to show for what we were bringing it. We were giving it to the dealer and you know...we couldn't buy shoes or pants because money was going to heroin, its like, get the heroin and then you've got 5 dollars and you use the 5 dollars to get food, it was a bummer.

I was afraid that if I quit that the relationship probably wouldn't survive because...it got to a point where you know....there were times where he scared me and I didn't want him OD'ing on me, I didn't want to worry.... The question was did I want to quit? Did I really want to? And I was thinking, God, if I quit then my boyfriend may lose interest in me because we won't have that in common anymore. And I didn't want him to feel that since I quit he had to quit you know, I didn't want to put that pressure on him and you know, I didn't want him lying to me about it and so I told him that I'm not gonna look at you any differently if your doing it. If you are gonna do it, do it in front of me, because I'm not gonna judge you. In our relationship I never judge you. You do what you do and I do what I do and the love I have for you is not going to change because of that. But you know, we stayed together, we got through it. 

I also thought of these people who I thought were my friends, you know, losing their friendship. But they never really were my friends, I mean they never asked how I was doing or anything like that so....there was a time where I felt people measured our friendship on whether I gave them a hit or not. I felt no love. I had no love no meaning in my life for awhile, you know. I brought it on myself and I take responsibility for it, for surrounding myself with people like that.

I was also thinking with quitting... when I quit what am I gonna do? I've been doing heroin for awhile and its like, am I gonna be able to quit? You know, is it possible to quit? Because when I don't do it I feel really bad, you don't have energy and your bones ache and you don't want to get out of bed and I didn't have a bed so it was like, what am I gonna do when I'm tired?

I knew that I should get off the streets and I knew that there were a lot of organizations out there that could help me to move towards that. So I looked into that and I applied for GA and that didn't help much. It helped some, but you know, $200.00 a month didn't go far because of the heroin problem. So I knew that if I was going to get off the street I was going to have to do something about that...and so I did.

My doctor told me about buprenorphine. When I heard about this new drug, I said, "Hey, why not give it a try?" It's a study through SF General and if I tried it I could also make 20 bucks every time I would go. They interview you every month to see how you are doing-each time you go they give you 20 bucks and you know, 20 bucks is 20 bucks... everything is free, they do a urine test every week to see how things are going and if you test positive for something it doesn't disqualify you from the program. You discuss and talk about why you used this or used that but they never....it's not like they punish you for smoking a joint, you know. I heard stories that with methadone if you test positive they take you off it for a couple of months- it's like they punish you. Their thing is like, we are not going to punish you- we are not going to stop giving you the medicine if you make a mistake here and there- because people do make mistakes, we just want you to keep trying and if you keep trying we'll keep helping you. I applied for that program and the people at the buprenorphine clinic were real helpful working with me and helping me get off the drug. They were real flexible with scheduling me and there were times when they gave me a few bucks to catch the bus to get there and I thought that was real cool of them because it showed me that they cared, and if they cared I should care. So I started going 3 times a week. The people at the clinic believed in me and that helped.

I had to apply for SSI because they were gonna cut me off GA and I got accepted and things have been okay since then. I actually quit using heroin before I got a little cash. And so I was proud of myself being able to do that- it was hard during the three months that I quit. I can be honest and say that I've done heroin twice since and the first time I tried was about a week after I quit and I did it and it didn't do anything for me and like a week ago I tried some because I started taking medicine and it makes me sick so I wanted to sleep and I did some and it didn't make anything better, it didn't make me feel any better so I got it out of my system.

I knew that if I stuck with it, if I stuck with the people at the clinic they were willing to help me quit so...The support that they gave wasn't anything major, but it was an environment where you could go and they didn't judge you because of your addiction, they just made you feel comfortable and they told me that I wasn't a bad person. I can slip and if I slip they are not gonna stop giving me the medication because people slip and you know, I just had to come to my appointment.

This one woman who worked there she was just really, really nice and she went out of her way to help me and to make sure I was getting my life in order the best that I could. She really liked me and she really wanted me to stop doing heroin and it had been along time since I'd had someone who cared. I mean, I figured if she cared enough to come out of her pocket to help me get out of the rain then the least I can do is show her that I'm serious and I'm willing to try. And I tried and I stopped.

I quit but my boyfriend didn't, and I didn't have a problem with that because he's his own person and I'm my own person and you can't make someone do something they don't want to do. I can only make myself. When you love somebody, you are willing to put up with certain things. I just said no. I was still socializing with people who had the habit and people were doing it around me and I just said no. It's just not something I wanted to do, it's always around, but I think if you got willpower and you don't want to do something you won't no matter whose doing it. The people at the clinic thought it was really good of me to be homeless and attempting to stop doing heroin and being around people doing it, and there were days I wouldn't have money and I would walk all the way there and all the way back because I really wanted to get off. I was determined. It was hard. I knew that it was up to me and, that if I was able to convince myself to stop you know, I had their support. So, I knew I could do it, I knew I could do it.

When we got a little money- I said I wouldn't do this- but I did, I supported his habit because I didn't want him to go out into the streets. I did that because I love him. My boyfriend eventually stopped doing heroin also, so that's good. He saw that I wasn't gonna do it anymore and I think that's what made him decide to stop because when I started taking the buprenorphine I didn't have the craving for it and he noticed that he could do heroin in front of me and I wouldn't ask for any.

I bought us a gym membership; we went on a shopping spree. God, I bought a lot of stuff. We just had a great time and it just felt so good to go up to the counter and pay for it and have something to show for it. We got a computer, a nice place to stay and it brought us closer. I wanted to do it for him and for us, because we struggled so hard there for awhile, and I just wanted to have a good time. I just wanted to show him in a different way how much I love him and....I knew before buying him all those things that he loved me. So, it was just a good feeling. It's making me emotional.

Will power and knowing that that I could get off the streets once I figured out what I needed to do is what worked. I don't miss sleeping outside at all. Now, the most important thing is getting our rent and then everything else is behind that. It left a lot of free time... there is a lot of time where you know, its like, what am I going to do? I don't have to go out and try to make money now, so what do I do? I just have a lot of time on my hands so, but its much easier now that I'm in doors, it's much easier because I got a little money. So since I've been off I really haven't been hanging around those old people. Me and my boyfriend we just hang together really. I think quitting-trying to do something about my addiction and having somebody there who cared- whether he was on heroin or off it, just having someone there- makes things a lot easier. You know. Because when I wasn't feeling well, he was there. I just feel lucky.

There was only one person (besides my boyfriend) that I really cared about what they thought because when I told him I was on heroin it really ruined our relationship. Since I quit and started going to meetings we are friends again because he sees that I'm not that person that I was when I was doing it, because I did lie a lot or stretch the truth at times. I'm really happy I have that friendship back. Because it's always good to have people in your life that care about you, that care about YOU not whether or not you're gonna give them a hit or not.

Being in doors and eating well, getting my sleep and surrounding myself with people that are living. When you're doing heroin you are in your own little community, we never went shopping, it wasn't sociable. And now I'm a lot more sociable than I was. I'm making new friends; I just find life is a lot simpler when you don't have such chaos in your life. So I don't have that many friends but I do have a life. We have a life together and I spend a lot of time at home.

I was taking my meds but they just made me sick. I've gotta go back to the doctor and see if they can give me something else-they just made me sick as a dog, and I am not a sickly person. I know I should take them but when I take them I'm just a mess. I'm doing things and I want to start school but I need to get my doctor to sign off saying that I'll have the energy to go to school and she says she wouldn't do that until I got a permanent place and started doing my meds. My doctor's pretty cool; I just have to make myself go. It's no fun being sick, and its not going to be any fun being dead, that's why I gotta take care of myself and I do take care of myself.

I just think you need to take things one day at a time and if you want to stop doing anything you gotta really want to do it. Going to group meetings and talking with other people who are quitting helps because I've gone to a lot of groups where you sit around and you discuss your addiction and why you are quitting and so on, and just having the space to talk about it, it's good. Having someone in your life who's there when your down and feeling low and feeling like nobody cares, if you have one person that....sometimes that's all you need, . And if you don't have anybody else you just have to believe in yourself and try to think positively.

I know it's the best thing that I could have done... to stop doing heroin, that's the best thing I've ever done in my life because I can wake up and not feel like I want to kill myself. Because that's how I felt some days because it just drains you. My God it just drains you. It just takes all your will power away. Now, my outlook on life is a lot brighter, it's a lot brighter and you just take it one day at a time to work your way out of that cloud that you've been living in. That hell that you've been living. Just believing that you're better than that, and believing that you don't need those people in your life that are bringing you down because a lot of the people that I was doing heroin with- they were bringing me down- and I was allowing them to bring me down because...there were times that I realized the only thing I have in common with these people is getting a fix. You know. You would have a conversation with them and it would never be about anything except heroin. How we can get it. Or who we can scam to get it. Or what we can steal to get it. Or what lie we could tell to get it. And it just feels so much better not having to lie and go through that and not having to remember what lie you told your friend to get money- you know what I mean.

So I just I'm happy just to be alive right now and you know, life is not great, but I'm a much happier person, a much happier person. I'm just happy and I'm just trying to look ahead to better things. I'm at that point where I don't need anything- so that's good.