I’m from the South and grew up around hillbillies. I was emotionally, physically, and sexually abused. I couldn't take gym class for many years because I had bruises up and down my arms, neck, and legs. 

 

I knew I had to get away. At 17 I'd had enough. I wanted a guaranteed roof over my head and figured the Army was the only way. I got a shotgun and literally forced my parents to sign the consent papers for me to join. 

 

I knew very early that I was gay but the army is where I had my first consensual sexual experiences. It was liberating. I had so much sex. We were doing it in tanks. We were doing it under jeeps. It was so much fun. Everybody knew what went on and nobody really said anything about it, but guys who were obviously gay didn't get promoted.

 

At first I loved the Army. I was stationed in Europe; it was exciting being in a different country. I found gay clubs so underground you had to know a password to get in. Then I got transferred back to the United States. I didn’t want to come back. 

 

When I got back to the South all those emotions I'd left behind came soaring back in. I was unhappy. I realized that by joining the army to get away from my family I had traded one prison cell for another. The army orchestrated my every move.

 

I told the army I was gay. They sent me to a psychiatrist- it was funny. He asked me "Would you find me attractive?" I said, "I'm gay. I'm not blind.” He signed the papers. They let me out. I moved to a big city in the Midwest.

 

I met Hudson at a party. He was a rich older man, owned most the buildings downtown, and looked like Warren Beatty.  He bought me a new Audi, a Saab, a Lamborghini, and a brand new condominium. He kept putting me through school hoping I would figure out what the hell I wanted to do. I went to cosmetology school, interior design school, and culinary school. Finally, he bought me a business- which I managed to make very successful.

 

The trauma I had experienced growing up left its mark. Hudson was really supportive. It was because of his patience and love that I got through a lot of the emotional crap. I put that man through hell and he kept accepting it. I was angry a lot. I would verbally attack him. I didn't understand why I was treating him that way; I didn't understand where it came from.  I just knew that I needed my space. With the acceptance he offered me, I was finally free to let some of it go.

 

Then he died. I was in his will but had to go through a legal battle with his wife. In the end, I got my house, the cars, and my business. Then I was able to break down. I got in my car. I cried and I drove. I smoked a joint and I drove. I cried and I drove some more. I ended up in a big city and thought, “Okay, I'll get a hotel room.” I processed by smoking weed, drinking and crying. I started heavily partying- I had never even done cocaine before. It was great.

 

I decided to move there. I sold my condo, my business, my cars, bought a nice little house and opened a nightclub. I invested with partners who, as it turns out, were using the club to launder money- backing U-Haul trucks up everyday unloading guns and massive amounts of drugs. They took that business from me- it was very scary. I lost most of my money with that venture- the rest of it went to cocaine use.  

 

My favorite club was open 24 hours and had no windows. I knew I would be partying for days getting hot and sweaty so I would coat check like seven outfits.  There was a dealer in the bathroom with a tackle box full of drugs- packets here, pills there, ecstasy. I would buy coke and remember thinking, “This coke's a little weird!” and be up for days. I didn't know it was speed until I came out to SF!

 

I was angry at my dad for the abuse. I remember things he did to me from the age of three on. When he died I was so mad I couldn’t go back home, get in his face, and hold him accountable for what he did to me as a child.

 

I was also angry at family members who didn’t step in and protect me. They acted like it was acceptable. Years later, when my sister’s son was six I asked her,” Would you allow your husband to treat him the way dad treated me?" She said "No.”

 

I had all that anger to get over and get through. I wasn't really aware that I was self medicating, I just knew I felt freer, happier, and more alive when I was high and drunk. I was always editing myself when I was sober. I didn't edit myself when I was drunk and high.

 

Party, party, everybody have sex. I was sleeping with a lot of different guys with rarely a mention of STDs or HIV and we never used condoms. That’s just the way it was. I had some real unsafe sex with people that were positive. Over time, I got so heavily into the drug use I was doing things that were outside my character. All I thought about were drugs and sex. Inside, I was so miserable I didn't care if I died the next day. I was lucky I didn't catch HIV.

 

I had to get away from that scene. I had visited San Francisco and loved it, so when I was offered a ride here, I said, "Hell, yeah!!"  I was homeless when I first moved out here. I thought- I can't go any lower. 

 

I walked around, got to know people and discovered the city. 

When I first got to SF the openness about drugs was shocking to me. I didn’t admit I did drugs.  

 

I tried the clean and sober thing and was absolutely fucking miserable. But nowadays, I use differently than I used to. In the past I used speed on the fly. I'd say, “Okay, I've got money. Let's go to a bar and get drunk.” Then I'd buy drugs and once I would start, I’d want more and more and more. 

 

Now, if I'm coming down and antsy, thinking “I've got to get more! I've got to do more!” All I have to do is eat and take my sleep medication. I go to sleep. When I wake up, I'm fine.

 

That's something I didn't know before. It was horrible- I would spend day after day high and on edge. I would be totally tweaked- uncomfortable in my own skin, uncomfortable with the people around me. Back then, I didn't know how to cut it off and go to bed.

 

Your state of mind, who you are, and how you feel about yourself really has a direct effect on what kind of high you're going to have. A lot of guys have a miserable time getting high and it’s because they're miserable when they start.

 

Many of us grew up gay in a family or an area where it wasn't acceptable.  We dealt with gay bashing and bullshit at school. If people are constantly telling you that you're an abomination, somewhere inside of you- it starts residing in your head. You start to think, “Well, maybe I am.” 

 

You have to get over all that and be okay with who you are. Okay. I am gay. Sometimes I am flamboyant.  I'm fine with that. You have to be okay and accept who you are- otherwise nothing in life is going to make you happy, nothing.

 

Queens who act catty, two-faced, and evil are just insecure and unhappy with themselves. “You're not dressed the way I'm dressed. You're old, and I'm not. You're fat, and I'm not.”

 

I wish as people we could be more accepting of who we are and start to nurture and love ourselves first. You can't love and nurture anybody else until first you love and nurture yourself.

 

I tried therapy. I was smarter than every therapist I went to. Therapists were a waste of time and money. To heal, I had to look at my behaviors. Then I had to pinpoint what had happened to trigger them in the first place. Then work backwards from the behavior to its origin- and then do the healing. I did that all on my own.

 

Speed helps me. When I was using speed, I processed a lot of feelings and thoughts. Speed opened up my mental capacity and allowed me to process from a more objective point of view- to shift my perspective to a healthier place.

 

My belief in God also helped me to heal. I asked God, “Okay, what do I need to do to get all this pain to go away?” When thoughts entered my head that weren’t my own, I knew they were from Him. He said, "You have to start treating my people better. You have to start being kinder to people. You have to start being nicer to people." I said, "Okay. I'll try it." And I did.

 

It worked. Pretty soon, being kind became a natural thing for me. That's who I was to begin with, but never allowed myself to be. I discovered the nature I was born with. That healed me. The kinder I was to other people, the better I felt about myself. Over time I got to a point where I loved myself. 

 

I had to get comfortable with my own body. I had to get comfortable with my own sexuality. I had to get comfortable with the fact that I had male parts. I had to get comfortable with a lot of things. I was so uncomfortable for so long about everything.

 

You have to have a healthy relationship to your sexuality to begin with. A lot of people do shit high that they wouldn't do sober. That's why they get high- so they can allow themselves to be the slut they want to be. I used to be that way, too.

 

Now, I can have sex with drugs and I can have sex without drugs. It's always more intense with the drugs. I don't know if it came with age or if I got burnt too many times, but nowadays I’m into quality more than quantity. Quality partners are hard to find. I look for someone who's nice, non-judgmental, and who will do for you what you do for them.

 

I don't like angry people, people who try to degrade other people, or whiners. I watch. I see how they treat other people. That's how they'll treat you. If I can’t find a quality partner, I can have sex by myself with the drugs. I'd rather do it myself to be honest. I always make sure I begin and end my party by myself. I have rules I use now when I have company.

 

I prefer bisexual men and guys who are experimenting-because once gay men are using drugs, they don't really care about condoms. You can ask them about STDs, and they'll swear they're clean, but they've had like three partners that day.

 

Straight guys who are experimenting are more concerned and get it right out on the table telling you, "I don't have any STDs. I'm HIV negative” And then they ask, “How about you?" 

 

I don't have sex where I endanger myself or other people anymore. If I am with someone of a different HIV status I’ll use condoms or we do something like mutual masturbation where you don’t have to worry about a condom.

 

I get tested regularly now. I have no problem saying, "Hey, you know, I'm negative. I don't have any STDs. Have you been tested?" If I am uncomfortable, I don't care. I'll get through it. I've noticed that the fear of doing something is often worse than actually doing it. 

 

I'm the same person high or sober. I have the same mentality about my sexuality. I'm okay with it. My mindset changed. I like to be in control. Being out of control is a turn off for me.

 

I went from being on auto-pilot to making choices. And now consciously making choices feels natural.

 

I decided a long time ago that once I reached 40, I was going to cut bullshit out of my life. I have rules I live by.   When it's time to cut it off, I cut it off. I do what's necessary. I limit myself to a day or two when I party. I use a couple times a month and always enjoy that time.

 

I do speed now because I enjoy it. I do it for entertainment. I'm very creative and do art when I'm high. It allows me to relax and enjoy myself. I very rarely have bad experiences getting high anymore. I still do some processing when I am high.

 

Now I prepare for it beforehand and make it an event. I make sure I eat plenty of leafy green vegetables and fruits before, during, and after. I make sure I have plenty of water.

 

I eat like mad once I'm coming down. I've got entertainment because when I'm coming down, I'm going to want to hibernate for a day or so. I believe that when you buy the drugs, you buy the tweak that comes with them. 

 

Accept the come down and the emotions and the self recriminations. Just say, “Okay, it's going to happen.” Accept it and try to find a way to be accepting of the fact that you partied, spent money, and did your thing. Be okay with it afterwards. Try to accept, move on, and not beat yourself up.

 

A lot of people spend so much time focusing on things that happened in the past that they can’t change, they don’t notice all the beauty in the present. They're so busy beating themselves up over shit that happened a year ago they miss out on a lot. 

 

Have definite boundaries that are set in stone, no matter how high you get. Have boundaries you absolutely will refuse to relinquish. “I will not do this. I will not do that, no matter what you offer me.” Be firm with that.

 

 

I've already faced a lot of people's biggest fears; being penniless and homeless, being a drug addict. Knowing I made it through those, nothing can shake me now.

 

After moving here, I learned that I don't have to edit myself. I can say pretty much whatever I want to, be pretty much whoever I want to. If people don't find it acceptable, I don't care. I like who I am. And that's what San Francisco did for me. It healed me.

 

 

Resources for Survivors of childhood sexual abuse, rape, trauma

 

Books and DVDS:

 

1) The Survivors Guide to Sex: How to Have an Empowered Sex Life After Child Sexual Abuse by Staci Haines

Based on the author's extensive training and experience in working with abuse survivors, The Survivor's Guide to Sex offers an affirming, sex-positive approach to recovery from incest and rape. Includes resources, bibliography, and an index.

2) Healing Sex DVD by Staci Haines is a revolutionary project mixing documentary style drama with education and mind/body exercises. The film follows a diverse cast of women and men healing from past sexual abuse. This movie enables you to work out the normal, post-traumatic survival reactions- fight, flight and freeze- that may affect your sexual relationships. You will learn: How to be present during sex, how to experience pleasure and safety at the same time, how to re-learn boundaries, consent, and mutual connection, define your sexual pleasure based upon what you enjoy and desire, not on your past hurt.

3) Gay men and childhood sexual Trauma: Integrating the Shattered Self by James Cotheffe

Addresses the unique emotional and psychological needs of gay male survivors of sexual abuse. All too often, gay men hide their childhood memories of being sexually victimized because of fear, shame and the stigma of stereotypes which equate homosexuality with child abuse.

 

4) Wounded Boys Heroic Men by Daniel Jay Sonkin, Ph.D.

Is a workbook for transformation specifically written for and about men to address their issues of physical, sexual, and psychological abuse.

 

Helping Organizations:

 

1) Generation 5

http://www.generationfive.org/

Phone: 415-861-6658

Get involved to help end childhood sexual abuse. 

 

2) The Harm Reduction Therapy Center

http://www.harmreductiontherapy.org/

 

3) The Stonewall Project

(415) 487-3100