Interview with Tom

If you wouldn't mind, could you tell me a little bit about yourself and how you came to San Francisco?

I grew up in a broken home in a very suburban small town. I was thrown out of my house for being gay and found out that I was HIV+ when I was 15 years old. I came to San Francisco- the Gay Mecca- with nothing; I didn't have a place to live or money in my pocket. I basically came with the clothes I was wearing, not knowing when I was going to eat or where I would get money...I just had no clue at all where to begin... The people that I met on the street used drugs. I also met a lot of johns and I started prostituting on Polk Street at 15 to try to get money to survive. That is when my drug use began, when I started prostituting, because I didn't want to feel anything. I wanted to numb myself from the experience of prostitution, which was very difficult for me. I met this guy who took me under his wing, I pretty much had to put out or get out- having to do sex for a place to live, for food to eat, you know?

When did you first encounter crystal?

When I was 17 years old I met a guy who was dealing speed-he was kind of my boyfriend, and I got hooked on it. I started off snorting it, then I went to smoking it; I didn't start shooting up until I was 25 because I didn't like needles because it came to a point where I was using so much that I couldn't get high anymore from snorting it or smoking it. I was dealing speed at that time and was tired of getting ripped off. The dealer who was supplying me said, "Well, if you don't want to get ripped off, why don't you try shooting it up? That way you'll know if you're getting a good product." So I did, and I began to live a life of misery. I couldn't get out of bed without it, I couldn't do things with it, I didn't want to do things without it...I couldn't go to work without it. It just was a way to live. At the age of 19 I almost died from it.

What did you like about crystal?

It made me not feel... it just numbed me from feeling anything at the time.

What did you know about speed before you started playing with it? When you were introduced to it, did anybody give you a heads up as to what it was about, what you might expect?

Tom: Nothing, not one thing. I was never told what to expect; the paranoia, the drug induced psychosis...none of that was ever told to me .I had to experience it all first hand.

So when it was offered to you, what was your motivation to try it? How were those first experiences playing with crystal?

They were fun; I'm not going to lie...they were fun because it was a new feeling. I could go to another place and not feel anything but at the same time feel good. It was sex. The sex was great! Multiple partners, I had no cares, you know...I was already positive- so really I think it was a way for me to have multiple sex partners and not worry about it.

The come down was really bad though, that's when it really got hairy for me.

It always seemed like I had to give something to be part of the crowd and I just got tired of it. I got tired of having to go from hotel to hotel every 28 days. My last partner, I had bailed him out of being homeless three times and when it came down to it he put me out on the street while he had secure housing. I refused to live on the streets. I knew I didn't want to go to a shelter and that is when my drug use became more and more heavy and progressed because to stay at somebody's house you had to have drugs or I had to go sell myself to pay the drug dealer or pay my pimp...it was very difficult.

That's when I branched off of working the streets and went into doing porn. I made the change because I felt, you know, I liked having sex and why not have sex for money if I enjoyed it? I was reading the BAR and ____ was looking for models, so I went on a casting call and I met with the directors and they said, "Yeah, you have the all American boy look, you'd be great for us!"

What did you like about being a porn star?

I liked feeling wanted, that was the key thing for me. I wanted to feel wanted because for so long I didn't feel wanted. I'm not going to say I didn't have a great experience at first; I had a wonderful experience at first. I worked with two very good directors that really respected my needs and what I wanted and looked for in another model. I got to pick and choose what I would do and what I wouldn't do. But there comes a point when you can no longer do that. Unless you have an exclusive contract with the company... its pretty much a free for all.

The worst thing was having to perform with a model that I had no sexual desire for.

It was very demeaning. You have to act and play it off as if you're enjoying yourself...but really deep down inside I knew it was just a paycheck. That is how I had to start viewing things, that it was just money. Money to get more drugs, money to put a roof over my head for a week...whatever it took; I had to do it to survive.

I was told, I was an up and coming star, but really the stardom and the glamour was not all there. When I started doing porn I thought that it was going to be this wonderful and fabulous lifestyle of glitz and glamour and fame and it really wasn't. My expectations were a little too high. I felt let down a little bit. It was an eye opening experience. The reality is you had a name one day and the next day you could just be gone. That's how it is in the porn industry.

A lot of places don't like to talk about the drugs that are on the set. There are a lot of drugs used on the set. No one ever talks about it because it is taboo... but the reality is that it's there, it happens and you can't deny it. But after a period of time my drug use really ran me out of that job because I was shooting up. My track marks were showing and nobody really wanted to have a junkie in their videos, so that is when my career in porn stopped.

I did anything and everything I possibly could to make sure I had my next hit. If I had to rob, steal, sell things or sell myself... I did whatever I could to get my next hit. It didn't matter who I had to hurt to get it. That was my way of life...that's just how it was.... I lived to use and I used to live.

When would you say was the first time you met somebody that you could really depend on in San Francisco?

To be honest with you, it was when I was 30...I met my partner who I am with now and he got me into recovery. After my last suicide attempt I was at a point where I was tired of running, the hustling, the using to live and living to use mentality. I was in a very abusive relationship before I met him that was based around drugs and violence. So yeah, I would have to say it was not until I was 30 that I met someone who showed an interest and cared for me and helped me get into recovery.

So you're saying it was the first time you met someone who didn't just want to take something from you... that actually genuinely wanted to give something to you, right?

Right, and that was a big change for me because for so long I got used to having to give everything rather than get anything, whether it be selling myself or selling drugs...

When I went into a drug treatment programs- no matter where I went- I couldn't deal with the childhood issues I had to deal with, of all the trauma I encountered growing up. I grew up in a very broken home with six step dads. Five out of those 6 guys sexually, physically, and mentally abused me. I just never grew past that trauma.

That is why SAGE has played a very key role in my recovery process because they deal with trauma issues- they let me be with those issues. Other drug treatment programs I tried didn't touch it because it's too sticky of an area for them. Other drug treatment programs don't really address trauma issues because they are not licensed to. SAGE is a safe place for people who used to prostitute, who have experienced trauma and have a substance abuse problem. Their door is always open, and you'll never be turned away no matter what. They really focus on making sure you get better. SAGE has played the most active role in my recovery because I can go deal with my trauma issues and I have people who are licensed to work with around those issues to help me. It is really a great place.

They understand that relapse is a part of people's programs. They don't ever shut the door on you if you relapse, if anything they do everything they can to help you to get back on track. They will send you to a detox if you need to go to detox, they will get you into another program. They support harm reduction. A lot of the clients that are at SAGE are pretty much doing harm reduction- they still use. My program had to be complete abstinence from speed because I'll take a little and I'll go all the way. Some people can take a hit of speed and be fine for a week or whatever. For me, I just stick with my medicinal marijuana-that's part of my program because it helps me. When I want a hit of crystal I'll take a hit of pot and I'm okay. You know, I can live with myself for a minute. That's okay with SAGE's program... they are there to help you, not to shut the door on you. Whereas at other drug treatment programs, their philosophy is you have to be one way or another or you can't have anything at all.

Black and white?

Yeah, and there is a grey in between. That's been a key factor for me to realize, in a lot of things in life, there is always grey in between the black and white. It is not always going to be this way and it's not always going to be that way, life is very grey.

How did you come to realize that pot is a good substitute for you?

When I was nineteen I almost died and I got clean and sober for two and a half years. I just smoked pot and it helped me. When I went into recovery this time I remembered that one thing that helped me when I got clean and sober last time was that I smoked pot-it helped me to not have cravings to use. You know, for some people pot can be a gateway drug, but for me it's not, its medicine. It is a way for me to live and be able to deal with life.

For me, I function on pot. A lot of people can't- I can. I can go to work, do things and have a successful day. Pot does not make me tired or lazy. There are days when yeah, I don't want to get out of bed, I just want to pull the covers over my head and say "fuck the world today". Pot helps me get up out of bed sometimes. I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't... because that's just my program. I know that when I am having a craving to use speed, if I take a hit of pot it takes that thought away from me. I'm numbing that urge at the moment. One thing I have learned about speed, it is a very impulsive drug. You do it on impulse; you don't think about it...it just happens. Whereas when I take a hit of pot it slows down that thought process a little more...

What advice would you have for guys who are currently partying and playing on how to stay safer when going out on adventures for sex, from your experience?

My recommendation is to not use somebody else's needles, make sure your works are clean. If you're not HIV positive, please use protection at all costs. If I could go back to age 15 and try it all over again without the HIV diagnosis, I would love that. I say that to everybody, even females in heterosexual relationships...if I could go back and change time; I would love to...don't make the same mistake I did and not protect yourself because your life is very precious. I am lucky to be alive 16 years later with this disease that almost took me out 3 times... so my suggestion is to know where you are at, know your surroundings and just protect yourself at all costs.

For sex workers what are things that you'd recommend for somebody to be able to stay safer, from your experience?

I don't care how much money they offer you, it's not worth it...I had many johns tell me "We'll pay you 50 dollars more to not use a condom!" and it is just not worth your life, it really isn't.

Alright cool, thank you very much!

Tom: Thank you

Sex Worker Resources

www.hookonline.org

HOOK began in 1998 as a grassroots non-profit about men in the sex industry. The program's focus on resources and peer-to-peer education was inspired from other harm reduction models, but the adjustments reflect HOOK's unique qualities as a safe space for male sex workers, their clients, and health and human service-providers who support them. Today, HOOK has over two dozen volunteers throughout the United States reaching thousands of individuals each month

St. James Infirmary www.stjamesinfirmary.org

The mission of The St. James Infirmary is to provide compassionate and non-judgmental health care and social services for all sex workers while preventing occupational illnesses and injuries through a comprehensive continuum of services.
1372 Mission Street San Francisco, CA 94103 Phone: 415.554.8494

Clinic Hours

Tuesday, Noon to 3pm*
STI Counseling & Testing, Rapid HIV testing (with same day results)
Tuesday, 4pm to 6pm
Needle Exchange
Wednesday, 6pm to 9pm*
Primary Medical Care
Thursday, 6pm to 9pm*
Transgender Health Care
* Last intake for new community/patients members is 1/2 hour before closing

The SAGE Project www.sagesf.org

1385 Mission Street, Suite 300 San Francisco, CA 94103

Phone: (415) 905-5050

The mission of the SAGE Project is to improve the lives of individuals victimized by, or at risk for sexual exploitation, violence and prostitution through trauma recovery services, substance abuse treatment, vocational training, housing assistance and legal advocacy.